Downers Grove, IL

Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's October 16, 2009 and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

A lot has happened in the last seven days. Last Friday, President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. On Monday he was awarded the Heisman Trophy. On Wednesday he was named as a finalist in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. Today he will probably win the Powerball Lottery. The kicker is that he didn't even buy a ticket.

On Monday, we celebrated Columbus Day, a truly multi-cultural holiday. Columbus was born in ITALY, sailed for SPAIN, looking for INDIA, but instead found THE BAHAMAS and never even set foot in AMERICA. Go figure. Here's the rest of this week's news.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

? Kettle Calls Pot Missing – A woman in Brant Township, Michigan called the police to report that she had been robbed. When authorities arrived at her house, they asked what had been stolen and she told them that two men broke in and stole her marijuana plants. This is known as too much information and she is now facing manufacture and distribution charges. In the future she should just deduct the loss from her income taxes.

? Beware The Naked Shoplifter – In Sheboygan, Wisconsin, Julia Laack stole a bag of beef jerky and a cigarette lighter from a convenience store and went home. When police came to her house she went nuts and swore at them and her three kids. Then, she stripped down to her underwear. She told the police that they couldn't arrest her because she was naked. The cops didn't buy that logic so they cuffed her and put her in the police car…where she mooned them through the window. I'm assuming she has clothes now because there is a laundry list of charges against her.

? Think About It – A liquor store in Detroit, Michigan was caught in a food stamp scam. They would illegally take large amounts of food stamps for pornography and Viagra. This, of course, is illegal, but I just can't figure out the logic of someone using food stamps to get porn and Viagra. Think about it, if you didn't buy one, you wouldn't need the other.

? Who's Watching The Door? – In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a man walked into a convenience store and walked out with seven cases of beer without paying. He put them in his Crown Victoria, walked back in and took four more. Then he drove away. Since 7 cases of beer weigh about 135 pounds, police are looking for a muscular drunk in a Crown Vic.

? When Lost, Don't Ask – It has long been rumored that men do not like to ask for directions. Well, this week, two men asked for directions and got more than they asked for. The men stole some auto parts in Saxony, Germany, and got lost on their way home. They asked a police officer for directions to the Czech Republic and when the officer looked in their car, he spotted the stolen goods and immediately gave them directions…to step out of the car and put their hands in the air. This is why men never ask for directions…in any language.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695