Downers Grove, IL

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It's November 20, 2009 and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

Only six more days until Turkey Day and I have already begun letting out my pants.

I love Thanksgiving because it is the only holiday we have left for which we don't have to worry about political correctness. If you have something against a day dedicated to eating turkey and watching football, then you are an ingrate who would be sent to Gitmo if it wasn't going out of business. Thankfully, the goons in the news were plentiful this week so let's give thanks for this week's Friday Funnies.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

? Why Didn't We Think Of This? – Moldova is a small country tucked into the Balkans somewhere between Romania and Ukraine. Moldova doesn't have much to offer the rest of the world other than some mighty fine wines, but they have gone the extra kilometer to protect their army from the Swine-H1N1 flu. Rather than giving them a vaccine, all 6,500 of their troops are being fed onions and garlic to ward off the flu. I don't know if this diet has any medicinal benefits but it makes sense to me. I can assure you that no sick person could get within 12 feet (3.76 meters) of a Moldovan soldier packed with onions and garlic.

? This Is My Kind Of Guy – A 96-year-old photographer from Beaverton, Washington thought it would be a shame to miss the last big party he has left…his own wake. So Hugh Ackroyd threw his own pre-emptive wake complete with flowers and wreaths with ribbons that read, "Rest In Peace…Eventually". I love this idea and decided to start planning for my own. I think at my fake wake I want a closed casket with speakers and a motion sensitive recording that says things like, "Help, get me out of here", "Is it dark in here or is it just me?", and "Boy did you get fat!". Dress code is business casual and a cash bar will be provided.

? Not That There's Anything Wrong With That – Sean McDowell of Ashland, Oregon was arrested this week for trying to assault the object of his desire, and when I say "object" I mean Sean is in love with a stuffed giraffe. He was in a children's store called Bug A Boo when the 4-foot tall plush toy caught his eye and was caught making sexual advances towards her. In his defense, the 24-year old whack job said, "Well, excuse me for being a leg man."

? TSTL Too Stupid To Live – In Elizabeth, Tennessee, a drunken woman pulled into a Sonic Drive-In and passed out slumped over the steering wheel of her car. When she heard a tapping on her window, she sat up and said, "I want a burger and some chili cheese tots". Unfortunately she gave this order to a police officer. She was arrested and charged with DUI and being a lousy tipper.

In Wichita, Kansas, a couple told police that five armed men came to their apartment and stole their marijuana. When police entered the apartment, they discovered that the thieves didn't take all of it and booked the couple on drug charges. I guess this answers the eternal question, "Why do you think they call it dope?"

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695