Downers Grove, IL

Friday, October 09, 2009

It's October 9, 2009 and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

I can't believe it. Chicago got waxed out of the 2016 Olympics by Brazil, and if you have ever had a Brazilian wax, you know how much it hurts. I don't know how we lost in the voting because if Mayor Daley can't fix an election, it can't be fixed.

And speaking of getting fixed, I think that's what David Letterman's wife has in mind for him. Apparently Dave has been dipping into the company inkwell and got caught with his Worldwide Pants down. Maybe this would be a good time to invite Sarah Palin on the show again to see what she has to say about it. You know what they say, paybacks are a Pelosi.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

* You Show Me Yours And I'll Show You Mine - In Haverhill, Mass., Adam Alsarabi walked into a White Hen Pantry intent on robbing it. When he approached the cashier, he said "Give me your money, I have a gun." The cashier responded by saying, "Oh yeah? Show me your gun and I'll give you the money." This threw the unarmed and dimwitted robber for a loop and he ran out of the store and into the nearby woods. When the police caught up with him, they not only showed him their guns but also their handcuffs and their jail.

* Better Safe Than Stupid – At the other end of the convenience store spectrum, a clerk at the Five Star Snacks & More in Waterloo, Iowa was approached by a customer who was mumbling and had his hand in his pocket. The clerk thought he was being robbed so he threw a bag of money at the man and ran away. The man looked at the bag, mumbled some more, and left the store without it. When police caught up to him they discovered that he had no gun and was not robbing anybody. He was just drunk. The clerk was given the Wuss of the Week award.

* Stupidity Personified - In Albertville, Ala. a woman was stopped while driving her minivan with her 13-year-old daughter inside of a cardboard box on the roof. Jackie Knott had her daughter ride in the box to "hold it down" because it was too big to fit inside the car. She told the police it was safe because she had the box secured to the van with a coat hanger. She used a coat hanger because she was all out of duct tape.

* Not That There's Anything Wrong With That – In London, two inebriated men picked a fight with what they assumed were two transvestites out on the town. The two men in sequined dresses were in fact drag queens, but they were also professional cage fighters and before you could say "Does this dress make me look fat?" the high-heeled honeys dispatched the drunks with a couple of roundhouse punches and left them on the ground. The attackers were charged with assaulting English muffins.

* Did She Think They Cancelled Each Other Out? – A woman stole a checkbook from another woman's purse at the First Presbyterian Church in New Brighton, PA. Then, to make up for it, she forged a $50 check and put it in the collection plate. She has done this before at other churches and has not yet been caught. The police are looking for her, but only on Sundays.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695