Downers Grove, IL

Friday, November 13, 2009

 

It's November 13, 2009 and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

Today is Friday the 13th, perhaps the unluckiest day of the year. This worries me because I am currently in Las Vegas, the unluckiest city in the world. I am hoping that the two cancel each other out and today will be totally luckless, neither good nor bad. The people in this week's news however, are not that lucky. Here are the luckless losers of the week.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

? "I Had My Fingers Crossed" - Eugene Pallisco of Detroit, Michigan claimed that he can't be accused of bigamy because even though he was already married when he decided to wed Lesley Keith, he never said the words "I do." Several witnesses to the ceremony said that he did in fact say "I do" but he claimed "Oh no, I said woo hoo." The judge ruled on the case by also using two words..."you're screwed."

? News From Around The World - Four men in Brisbane, Australia were arrested for using a carwash. The problem was that they didn't have a car. They went to a self-service car wash, deposited their money, and took off all of their clothes. Then, they took turns soaping each other up while their female companions took pictures. The owner of the car wash called police who arrived mid-cycle and arrested the sudsy blokes for creating a public nuisance. Police said that the high-pressure washer could cause serious damage, especially if it goes in the eyes. Trust me on this, but if you are naked and getting sprayed with a power washer, the least of your problems is getting hit in the eye.

In Lima, Peru, where I believe lima beans were invented, Requelme Abanto had 1.5 pounds of nails pulled from his stomach. Senor Abanto said that they call him the human hardware store because in the past few months he has ingested nails, coins, copper wire, and scrap metal. His friends said that they noticed a change in Abanto over the past months in that he developed a magnetic personality and could only walk north.

? You Hit What? - Traffic accidents happen all the time but mostly they involve other vehicles. This week they involved animals who weren't driving at the time. In Oklahoma City a couple was driving home from church when they nearly collided with an elephant that had escaped from the circus. Since the pachyderm was the same color as the pavement Bill Carpenter said he didn't see it coming and when he slammed on the brakes he sideswiped it. Ironically, the only damage to his car was the trunk.

In New London, New Hampshire Becky Field's car got sideswiped by a wild boar that escaped from a private game reserve. At first she didn't know what she hit but when she was told that it was a boar, she said, "That's impossible, my husband is home asleep on the couch."

Finally, a woman in Tampa, Florida crashed her pick up truck into a 1,500 gallon aquarium at Tampa International Airport. The bad news is that most of the fish in the saltwater tank were killed. The good news is that the sushi bar at the airport had one heck of a sale.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695