By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / nasir

Sound familiar? How many times do you hear this from a partner, family member, friend or coworker?

How many times have you heard yourself say, “You’re not listening to me!”

Is it any wonder the most common response by couples or family members or workplace clients to my intake form question “Why did you decide to come into therapy/consultation now” is one word or two: 
 

“Communication” or “Communication Problem.”

Feeling Listened to, Heard and Understood

Most of us want to feel listened to and heard and understood

When we feel acknowledged in this way we feel validated and respected. And connected.

If, instead, we feel ignored, it’s so easy to translate this into feeling dissed: disdained and dismissed and discounted and disapproved of. Each of these feelings is a form of rejection ... and we find ourselves taking it personally.  

Respect of course is the opposite of all those ‘diss’ words and is a frequent focus of my blogs and my therapy/consulting/coaching work. 

It always seemed the adults in my early life (family, teachers, coaches) were repeatedly saying:

“What’s wrong with you?” 

“In one ear and out the other!”

“Don’t you ever listen?”

And in fact it turns out I apparently did indeed have impaired hearing which wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s.

And I was usually not paying very good attention to what was being said or expected of me. 

Oh. Now I understand why: A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD which totally explains my childhood distraction and wandering attention.

Wow. Too bad the grownups didn’t understand that my ADHD brain was different from their brain. Instead, because they didn’t understand me they didn’t show respect. Instead, their energy went into shaming me in those early years.

You can imagine the effect all this had on my self-respect.

By the way, it is with couples or co-workers where one has some ADHD attributes that I most often hear the "You never listen to me!" complaint.

In the Spirit of Teamwork

So along with highlighting the importance of respect, let’s talk about the need for clear communication and teamwork in both personal and workplace relationships.

I wrote Breathing Room for folks who are in a couples relationship or who want to be.

I suggest creating goals of: 
 
- giving and accepting respect?
- the ability to trust?
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability?
- the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together.
 

These ideas are not just for couples. I use the same suggestions when I consult in the workplace.

Respectful direct communication and feeling listened to, heard and understood are the keys to successful teamwork.

Sixteen years ago I wrote  Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples: 

“This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve  conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."
 

In my work with couples and with professional colleagues, I encourage them to use our sessions to work together to  come up with some creative ideas for getting things done. 

We take a look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:

 - What does teamwork mean to each one? 

- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 

 - What are their goals? Individual and together?

 - What are their expected outcomes? 

 - What are their challenges? 

 - How can they work together effectively?

- What situations work best? 

- What might get in their way?
 
- Are they communicating clearly? 

We look for a way or two or three that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors. Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share household or parenting decisions or functions.
 
 

This is about looking for ways of enhancing what is already there.

Can they recognize each other's strong points? 

Can they value and respecting each other? 

Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good   teamwork?  ?
 

Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships 
and The Key Ingredient Here is RESPECT

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships and are transferable: 

 
?

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person.?
 

I believe that we can say some very direct and difficult things as long as we do it respectfully. This means without snark or attitude or put-downs or ‘looks’ or tones of voice.

Sometimes it is difficult to  respect and accept someone's  style of thinking and doing things when it's different from your own. We have to remind ourselves that maybe we each  have ‘different brains.’
 
 

And keep reminding ourselves that we each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations.

These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally. 

And respectful ways or disrespectful ways are passed down as well.?
 

APPRECIATION is Important Too

?Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. If only we could notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection.

I’m a huge believer in validation messages from doing ‘acts of caring.’?
 

And Effective Respectful Communication
 
- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
 
- Respectful Questioning
 
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
?

- Clear, unambiguous communication?
 
 

And again, the bottom line is: We all want to be listened to and heard and understood –– and connected.
 

But What If We Had Poor Communication Models?

The problem is many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models:

Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another.

Maybe things just didn't get said, or only hinted at and you were supposed to guess. 

Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

And then there is the surreal, confusing experience of being the object of gaslighting by the other person, being told you are  imagining something.

Some families even have a generational history of this kind of behavior: denying and disputing someone else’s experience.

I’ve blogged about gaslighting over many years. Here’s one of them:?
I Really Hate Being Lied To!

Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and  directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.?
 
 

And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words, so we played guessing games about meaning.
 
 

We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to clarify intent and meaning. 

I teach a simple 3-step way to initiate clarification:
 
“This is what I heard you say ---------------------.

Is it what you said?

Is it what you meant?”
 
 

This actually gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear.

I see respectfully clarifying meaning as the best relationship tool available.

Miscommunication leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking something personally – and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection.
?
 

How to Get What You Need  
 

And when it's time to negotiate agreements, here are some tips:

 ?- Be respectfully direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true: If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.'

 ?- Be respectfully direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it.  

- Be respectfully direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!?
 

Learning to be respectfully direct gives you a pathway to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there. 

Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a bunch  of practice.  ?
 

I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork.
?

And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships. 
 

Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able 
to contribute some of my ideas.
 
 

And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can take a breather and that either person can suggest calling a ‘time out.’

Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).
 

But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.

And even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving.

And it can feel like disrespect.
 

© Elayne Savage PhD
 

Would love to hear from you if you have some good communication or teamwork tips or 'listening' stories.

Until next month,

Elayne