For Immediate Release:
Dateline: East Greenwich,
RI
Saturday, April 20, 2024
- The dogs don’t give a damn. They think I’m fabulous.
- The people at Dunkin’ Donuts think I’m a kindly old guy driving a pickup with a couple of dogs looking for the seniors’ discount. They give us free bacon (enough for the three of us).
- People open doors for me and let me cut lines.
- When I ignore boring people they assume I can’t hear them.
- Servers tolerate what they think are idiosyncrasies when I’m kidding: “I’m allergic to kale,” “Would you take the clams out of the shells,” “Isn’t ‘giant shrimp’ an oxymoron?”
- Stupid things I do and mistakes I make are forgiven, like pulling into the exit line at the pharmacy.
- When I spill my martini (I have a habit of hitting the glass with my menu) they assume I’m unsteady and pour me a new one. (I try to spill the glass when it’s halfway empty, thus obtaining 1.5 martinis.)
- I don’t need another car, a larger house, to save for college tuitions, or to save for “retirement.”
- My kids can’t figure out when I’m serious, kidding, or simply losing it. It’s great that they have to keep guessing.
- I occasionally use the “Rolls Royce” of hearing aids which are very difficult to detect and pump music and phone calls right into my ears. It seems to others at times that I’m talking to God, and who’s to say I’m not?
- At age 70 the bank gave me a jumbo mortgage at 2.8% for 30 years, fixed. I’m about 10% into it!
- At the house in Nantucket where we host the family every year, my wife and I broke the bed one evening last year. My daughter thought it was significant enough to post on Facebook. Everyone else is embarrassed but me.
- I can drive (and easily get into and out of) a manual, seven-speed, 650 horsepower Corvette ZO6. Most people can’t even drive a stick shift of any kind, and a lot of younger people can’t seem to get out of the lounger where they’re swilling beer.
- At the gym, I keep asking my trainer about the younger customers, “Are they lifting less weight than I am?” About half the time they are. Makes my day.
- You’re a smart-ass in your 20s, but you’re wise in your 70s.
- (One downside: I get senior discounts without being asked. But I do get “carded” at Fenway Park and Red Sox games.)
- I have no choice.
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