By Elayne Savage, PhD

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"?

Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,?peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of?friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  ?

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  ?

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:? 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  ?

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 

?These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

Taking  Bullying Personally

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne