Lately it seems just about every coaching client and therapy client and couple and family I’ve been seeing wants to talk about challenges that seem to reflect what appears to be some form of personal boundaries. 

Not exactly sure why so many of the different aspects of boundaries are front and center right now but seems to be on everyone’s mind.

So I’m thinking maybe a refresher course in boundaries would be useful here.

Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others. 

Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize and respect how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others.

And having good personal boundaries means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.

Personal Boundaries are About Respect

I believe this is the most important to understand: Boundaries are about respecting your own space and the space of others.  This includes honoring each other’s differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy. We each grew up in different families with different rules, roles and ways of being, often including different cultural influences.

Psychologists John and Linda Friel offer some good descriptions of seven categories of personal boundaries. I’ve used their descriptions as a foundation and added some of my own impressions.

Physical boundaries means other people respect your physical space. These boundaries are violated when someone goes into your room, uses your stuff without asking, or reads your diary. They’re also violated when someone touches, or tickles you when you don’t want him or her to, or pushes or hits you.

Intellectual boundaries means others respect your ideas or thoughts. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”

Emotional boundaries involve respect for your feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, or psychologically abuses you by criticizing, belittling, or shaming.

Social boundaries mean a respect for your choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes where you go or who you choose to be with, for example, “Why on earth would you want to go out with her?” or “Why would you want to see that movie?”

Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy and choosing who can touch you, where, and how they can touch you. In other words, respectful boundaries means no one can touch you without your permission. Some sexual boundary transgressions such as stranger or acquaintance rape are obvious, but others, such as staring, and leering can be confusing because they are not so obvious.

Money boundaries involve how you earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. There’s no question that different attitudes about money can cause relationship problems, especially if you don’t respect the other person’s style. 

I grew up in a culture where folks would often ask “How much did you pay for that?”

Ethical boundaries  And of course in today’s political climate we are very aware of how principles guiding decision-making and professional integrity seem to be getting trounced daily in politics

Time boundaries hold special interest for me because I have struggled so many years with these. This means having respect for your own and others’ ways of dealing with time frames for getting things done. 

Some of us are on time or even early for meetings or getting projects done. Others of us are “under the wire” people and thrive on the excitement of deadlines. 

For years my nickname is “under the wire Elayne” and my usual 5 minutes late really causes problems when I’m meeting someone who is usually 10 minutes early!

My lateness is easily mistaken for a personal affront and perceived as disrespectful. In my typical ADHD way I’d try to squeeze in too many tasks or errands before meeting someone. 

And I finally figured out I was choosing to be later than the person I was supposed to meet. Why? Because waiting for someone made me anxious. I would worry that they forgot, or stood me up, or some other form of rejection. Better they should wait for me, even though it meant they might get annoyed at my lateness.

Growing Up Boundary-less

When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.

I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.

Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family.

Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning. Others expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.

For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.

Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors. 

Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.

In some of our families there may have been strict rules, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.

Privacy vs. Intrusiveness in the Workplace

A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’

I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.
 
For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors. 

Can you can see how there might be privacy issues here where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?

I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.

Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.

Appropriateness in the Workplace 

For over 35 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries in the workplace. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate flirting or teasing or touching can easily lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct.

Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.

And of course this disrespect too often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person experiencing boundary-less behavior.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month, 

Elayne