Thursday, September 15, 2011

"Manners Maketh Man" was our school motto. I was so young I couldn't even read when this was said during our assemblies but I came to understand what it meant early on. We could be the greatest at what we did but the way in which we interacted with one another spoke more about our greatness than our intellectual or physical ability demonstrated during debates, competitions, and daily activities.

To this day, it doesn't matter much if you have great work acumen but poor people skills because people skills always win out. Can you afford losing business because of negative interactions? And how can you tell if this is your case?

1) Your immediate family tolerates you. Your wife may feel you're a good guy, your kids may stick around—oh, those nice gifts are awesome—and some friends may stay in touch, but that's about it. You may rationalize the situation by pointing out how the whole world is a big loser but, in the end, you stand alone.

2) The only people around you are similar to you. You get together to point out how the rest of the world is stupid and insignificant: you strive to feel better by putting others down.

3) Everybody talks about your arrogance. Your take on it? "They are envious of my brilliance, that's their problem." You discard the obvious fact, that you belittle those around you, and that's why they say you are arrogant.

4) You stay on top by bringing others down. You smash anyone you consider competition even in minor disagreements, making the case of "needing to be that way." Instead of realizing that your brilliance and unique skills puts you on a level where all you need to mind is your own business, you are the one who constantly looks around to see if anyone comes close to reaching your level.

5) You are constantly seeking new business, new clients, and new staff. You rationalize new business is good—and you are right, it is—but you overlook the fact that the reason behind finding new blood is because old clients, employers, employees, or friends don't want to be around you. While you may choose to let go of past associations, it becomes obvious those people don't want to have any contact with you.

6) Others say your technical skills are superb and they would not hesitate to hire you to save their lives, like Dr. House on television. You would only hire a Dr. House in case of death threats or crises, but you would stay away from someone with his personality in any regular interactions. His skill is described as "all brain." There is no heart or perceived caring in the interaction.

7) By the end of the day, you feel grumpy, isolated, misunderstood, and empty.

What can you do?

1) Self-Awareness: You can continue to be as you've always been (continue business as usual) or you could do some self-reflection and realize your whole team left you to go with your (more mediocre) partner. If this happens once, you may be right that your unqualified staff preferring an average path. However, when this happens repeatedly and your (bad) reputation prevents you from bringing high quality employees or attracting high quality clients, the "problem" may be you. Consider psychotherapy or executive coaching, depending on the depth of your findings.

2) Practice patience: What's good about growing older is that many of us become more patient with time. What we would have aggressively debated as a teenager becomes a more mature, balanced, and well-integrated response. What tended to be a brainy response may have some additional understanding and empathic comment. Make it a priority to improve your style. Count to ten before pointing out someone should change the strategies to achieve their goals. Avoid telling anyone they—or their comments—are stupid, slow, or nonsensical. Instead, guide them as to what your expectations are and about how you would suggest they create a successful strategic plan.

3) Are you perceived as moody and inconsistent? Do you have tons of energy and yet, you feel like you are about to jump out of your skin? Are you easily described as bad-tempered? Are you unpredictable in your decision-making process, and the people around you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid your fury? Do you drink to ease this inner rage and feel more relaxed? Do people see you as a Jekyll and Hyde? If so, consider having a good evaluation by a psychiatrist to rule out bipolar illness. I have seen too many successful men and women being misdiagnosed—and treated—for depression when, in fact, their underlying condition is bipolar illness with dysphoric mania. Treatment is different for each condition. If you are using drugs or alcohol, consider that the excess will make matters worse.

4) Hire a right hand with complementary skills: While you work on improving your interpersonal skills, bring a partner or assistant that you trust to balance your abilities. Yes, it will be hard to find someone as good as you but you need to look at this opportunity as one in which you will expand your reach rather than limit your brilliance. Avoid being the alpha dog, dominating this person to the point that you paralyze them. Instead, focus on their positive skills, style, experience, and relationship-building. Realize your intellectual brilliance may be your blessing and curse unless you add a personable, empathic, and positive interactive style.

5) Treat everyone with respect: remember, Manners Maketh Man.