Sunday, February 22, 2009

Boynton Beach, FL: Stay together for the sake of the kids? Generations of miserable parents followed that advice hoping their sacrifices would pay off for their children in the end. Many still believe that?s the only option for parents stuck in a dead-end marriage.

Author Rosalind Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, offers another perspective. Having been raised by parents that chose to stay together in a miserable marriage, Sedacca opts in on the other side. For her, divorce is preferable to years of living in a home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children are surrounded by sadness and anger. ?That?s the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later,? she says.

Sedacca argues that staying in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice that doesn?t touch upon the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a couple in name only. There is no positive role model for how marriage can and should be lived.

Happiness, harmony, cooperation, respect and joy are all absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together. Children feel it, are confused by it, often blame themselves, are guilt-ridden and experience little peace in childhood. The scars are much the same as for those who experience a poorly handled divorce.

For Sedacca, parents in these circumstances who consciously choose to create a Child-Centered Divorce are providing a much better option and outcome for everyone in the family.

?My parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together, had little respect for each other, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord,? she explains.

?I remember my mother asking me one day whether she should divorce Dad. ?No,? I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like the other kids. Although my childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity, I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn?t have the courage to do it anyway -- those were vastly different times, especially for women -- and she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades longer.?

Today, looking back, Sedacca feels that was an unfortunate mistake. ?Neither of my parents were bad people,? she says. ?They were both just totally mismatched. Their communication skills were miserably lacking and they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The real cost, of course, was the well-being of their children. I believe that each of my parents would have been happier and more fulfilled had they parted ways and remained single or chosen another mate.?

That?s why Sedacca chose the other route when her own marriage was failing. ?Because of my childhood experiences, however, I intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I consciously created what I call a Child-Centered Divorce, co-parented with my former husband, shared custody and maintained a positive relationship with my ex for the decade to follow. Most gratifying for me is the satisfaction of my now adult son acknowledging the merits of my philosophy and choices.?

Sedacca is the author of a new digital guidebook for parents based on her own personal experience with divorce when her son was eleven. Her son wrote the Forward to How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! and is a strong supporter of Sedacca?s Child-Centered Divorce Network. (www.childcentereddivorce.com)

Sedacca still believes in marriage and has since remarried herself. ?If parents have the maturity and determination to re-connect, get professional assistance and renew their commitment to marriage, that is undeniably ideal,? she says. She believes the entire family will benefit and the healing will be a blessing.

?However,? she adds, ?if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence and apathy of a dead marriage, divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for all concerned. But only ? and this is the key point ? only if the parents consciously work on creating a harmonious, collaborative Child-Centered Divorce that puts the children?s well-being first ? before they make other decisions!?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ? about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.