Dealing with grief and loss is a lifelong experience that may not be recognized until the loss of an aging parent or family member, along with the mention of the word grief or grieving. Learn how to deal with feelings of grief that result from loss and the self-transformation that can result in a better and stronger you.
In the case of caregiving, grief is experienced by the caregiver and the care receiver. The experiences and suffering of both people are rarely considered at the same time. Depending on who you talk to, the caregiver or the person who needs care may feel more distressed or upset.
In this article, I will answer caregiver questions about what grief is and how long it lasts, plus share practical tips and thoughts to move through the transformation of life that results from dealing with grief and loss.
What is Grief for Caregivers?
Let’s begin by answering the question, what is grief? Grief is a feeling, an emotion, a heartache that forces us to realize we miss something or someone who has left our life.
For example, grief might be:
- Leaving your friends behind to move away to go to college. Even though college is exciting and a new adventure, there may be a degree of loss or fear.
- Not getting the job of your dreams.
- The loss of a pet or people in your life.
- Losing a good friend due to a silly argument that can’t be mended.
- Caring for a spouse with dementia who does not recognize you.
For caregivers, there are many grief moments because a lot of your time is committed to caregiving:
- The loss of spending time with friends
- Engaging in activities that you love
- Worry or stress about siblings who refuse to help or don’t get along
- Difficulties at work, in a marriage, or a family.
- Giving up a job
- Not applying for a promotion
- Being unable to have outside relationships due to time constraints
- Increased stress because the care needs of a loved one are believed to be a greater priority than the caregiver’s needs
- Becoming sick due to not prioritizing self-care or medical appointments
There are so many aspects of grief and loss that relate to caregiving relationships that we may not relate
to the word “grief.”What is Grief for Care Receivers?
On the other side, the care receiver experiences their own grief.
- Loss of physical or mental abilities due to sickness, injuries, or mental decline
- Early retirement or giving up a job due to health issues.
- If there is a serious diagnosis, the care receiver may worry about pain, suffering, and death
- Paying more attention to daily routines of taking medications, eating nutritious foods, or exercising to improve health
- Obligations to attend multiple and ongoing medical appointments
- Confronting fears about medical treatments and pain
- Not wanting to feel like a burden to family or friends
- Purposeful self-isolation or loneliness
- Concerns about money to pay for care
- Concerns about needing ongoing assistance
- Depression or moodiness
- Worry about plans not made, i.e., estate planning, end-of-life disposition, etc.
- Difficulty managing daily activities like personal care, cooking, home maintenance, pet care, housekeeping, etc.
While aging is a mental aspect, if a person has not cared for their body or mind throughout life, the physical process of aging can be more challenging.
This is not to say that perfectly healthy people are not diagnosed with life-affecting illnesses—they are.
Mindset Matters When Dealing With Grief or Loss
However, the mindset of people in poor health versus healthy people confronted by health issues is very different, similar to the way caregivers look at situations and consider grief.
For example, one person may say,
- “Well, I’m getting old. My body is falling apart; this is just what happens.”
The other person may say,
- “I have a long life ahead of me. I’m going to do everything possible to remain healthy and active.“
What do you think will be the life experience of these two individuals? The one who says their body will fall apart will likely experience more sickness and illness because of their belief system.
The other person will probably live a long, happy, healthy, and fulfilling life because that’s what they believe and expect will happen.
Thoughts and words matter for the caregiver and the care receiver, as does acknowledging that both individuals are grieving. Caregivers may say:
- “I’m stuck—at a dead end caring for my parent until they die. I can’t get a job or go on with my life. I have no money, and my job skills are rusty. This situation is a living hell.”
- “Mom, dad, spouse died. I am at such a loss that I can’t focus on anything. I’m failing at work and know I’m not a good spouse, parent, or friend.”
- “My mom, dad, or spouse died, and they would not want me to be sad, unhappy, miserable. I will put my time and effort into X or Y and make them proud rather than spending my time being sad.”
- “I am helping out temporarily and am working on a plan to care for my dad that I will implement in 3 months because I have so many goals and plans to complete. I’m going to make sure my parent has care but not be the full-time caregiver.”
- “I have my parent’s estate to manage. It’s a lot. I will get help from XYZ and limit my time to work on this 3 hours a week so that I can pay attention to other parts of my life.”
Which individuals do you think will be more successful and move through the grieving process in a quicker time period?
Dealing With Grief or Loss is a Mental Process
Dealing with grief and loss can take months or years. It’s a mental process.
The emotional part of the mind that deals with grief and loss has a significant effect on daily life. Many people don’t think of experiencing grief and loss until someone dies because then it seems okay to use the word grief.
People may express sadness about losing a pet or anger about not getting a job. One person may recognize these feelings as grief; the other may feel the loss as a different emotion, like anger or resentment.
During the experience of grief—realizing that everyone’s grief experience is different—ordinary thoughts may become chaotic, upsetting, repetitive, and destructive.
Caregivers and persons with health issues may feel angry, depressed, sad, or in denial. Periods of grief are different depending on the loss.
Death may represent a significant loss for one person, while it is viewed as a relief for another person because a loved one is no longer suffering.
This difference of opinion doesn’t mean that the person isn’t missed or that time with them isn’t missed – it is. Each person has a different grief experience based on life experience, problem-solving, coping skills, emotional management, and their general outlook on life.
Grief Has No Timeline
I know parents who mourn the loss of their children for years. You probably see these posts on Facebook and social media where individuals post photos of people on the anniversary of their death because they are still grieving.
On the other hand, I know people who choose to celebrate and remember people who have passed on by pursuing their dreams and living a successful life. While it’s impossible to know what happens after death, a question to consider is:
- Do you think the person who has passed on would want you to feel emotionally distressed, miserable, and struggle to live, rarely having a break from grief?
I don’t believe this to be true in most relationships.
So then, why do individuals suffer so much from dealing with grief and loss? We might grieve over happy memories we won’t experience again because someone is gone.
The person who died may have been our soulmate, or we’re missing a companion.
There are so many reasons that people choose to stay in grief beyond the normal process. A caregiver in a support group asked about the experience of grieving and why the experience is not getting easier.
Everyone is different in their approach to problem-solving and coping with difficulties. Some people are more emotional, and some are more logical.
It takes a mix of both emotion and logic, objective and subjective thinking, to move through grief.
- Initially, there may be a sense of being unable to function.
- There may be gaps in memory when the mind is overwhelmed and spinning in thoughts of grief and loss.
- Some people retreat or go within to be with their thoughts.
- They may take time out from attending social events.
There is no one right way to deal with grief. There is only the way you process grief.
Well-Meaning Family and Friends
The other challenge is that well-meaning family members or friends can easily and unintentionally say the wrong thing to grieving people. If you are a grieving person, if or when this happens, please be kind.
Their intentions are good. The words they say or their actions are usually not intended to hurt but to help.
The problem is that they don’t understand the help you need. As the grieving person, an appropriate response might be, “I understand that you might think you know what I need or should do. Or you may be placing your opinions and experiences onto my experience. What you said or did is not helpful – it made me feel X. Can I share with you what would be helpful for me right now?”
If you are the person watching another person grieve, rather than offering suggestions or telling them what to do, if you have an experience of grief, you might ask if you can share how you worked through the emotions and loss and then ask what support you can offer.
Four Tips for Dealing With Grief and Loss
So now let’s talk about tips for dealing with grief and loss, realizing there is no one right way.
1 Be kind to yourself
The first tip is to be kind to yourself. Your grief experience will have different degrees of significance.
Not getting the job you wanted may feel very different from breaking up with a partner or having a loved one die.
2 Create a grief diary
Write about feelings of loss, anger, or resentment. What would you say to this person if they were still alive? Sit with these feelings, and then one day burn the diary to release the feelings.
Other people may go to counseling. Others may pray or talk to their spirit guides or angels to ask for comfort. You may spoil yourself with a bubble bath or a long walk. Everyone has different ways of coping.
3 Accept that life is out of control and you are a changed person
Tip #3 is to accept that everything may feel out of control for some time. You are a changed person because of the experience. So, in this case, the goal is to find peace and comfort during times of uncertainty.
During periods of grief, the mind can go to negative extremes and be unable to see any positives. When grieving, it’s important to schedule or make time to get away from grief and focus on the positive.
You might do this during a walk when listening to music or spending time with a friend listening to their story instead of telling yours. To move past grief, you must bring happiness and positivity into your life.
To do this, you must feel happy and positive. So, if your mind continually focuses on the negative, take out a piece of paper or a note card and write down positive statements of gratitude and actions you want to accomplish.
Keep these notes with you at all times so that when your mind turns to negative thoughts, you immediately stop. Take out the piece of paper or notecard and read the positive statements. If you do this consistently and believe what you are saying—you must believe—you will notice your mood begin to lift.
4 Decide when you are finished grieving
There will be a time that may come when you are tired of being sad. Tired of having a mind spinning on negative self-talk. Tired of the lack of a normal routine. This is the time when you can decide to stop grieving and move ahead to a happier life.
One of my favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption. It’s the story of a man who was sent to prison for a crime that he didn’t commit and how he and the other men’s lives in prison are restricted by the prison guards.
For these men, being in prison became their home and routine. Being released from prison after so many years was frightening, even though it was a positive event.
Caregiving Can Be a Prison of the Mind and Environment
Being a caregiver or being a person who needs care and treatment from the healthcare system can feel like being in prison. The experience of grief may be like having an invisible prison guard (your mind) who won’t let you stop thinking about the loss.
As a caregiver or the person who needs care, you feel your life is controlled by other people. You don’t feel like you have a choice in what happens or that you have the freedom to do whatever you want.
You do what you do day after day and keep going in a routine you may not like. This type of restriction significantly affects the mind and the body. You might get in a rut where it’s difficult to see a way out. We’ve all been there at one time or another.
If you are curious, watch the movie The Shawshank Redemption or do an Internet search for the text for the Shawshank Redemption quote, “Get busy living or dying.”
Grief Can Result in Personal Transformation
The story might resonate with your feelings and give you hope and inspiration that dealing with grief and loss is possible and that moving forward through these feelings is even better. You don’t have to live a life restricted by your emotions, feelings, mind, or life circumstances. You can live a full, happy, and blessed life if you choose.
Believe it or not, there are positives to dealing with grief and loss that can result in personal transformation. You will never be the person you were before the grief event. If you are willing to move past grief and loss, you become a new person, a stronger person. If you are willing to experience personal growth, all of the wonders and possibilities of life can be in front of you.
Re-identify what makes you happy and do these things. Seek to gain a new perspective on life. You may become more empathetic to others who are suffering. You may view life events you once saw as so serious as unimportant in the bigger scope of life. Be proud of how you survived challenges and the skills you learned that made you stronger. Understand that each person in the caregiving relationship is experiencing grief but in different ways.
Some people never find their way out of grief. They hold onto sadness, anger, or other emotions for years.
Others move ahead slowly, and some more quickly.Whatever grief situation you find yourself in, ask yourself what you want. Do you want to be happy? Do you want to get busy living or dying – that’s the ending theme of the movie The Shawshank Redemption.
Know that your mind plays a significant part in moving through the grieving process. Realize that you have more control over your life than you imagine, and keep going one step at a time and one day at a time.
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