I hate beards and it appears they are becoming ever more popular, fueled in part by the popularity of the bearded Duck Dynasty clan. When in the same week White House spokesguy Jay Carney and conservative Glenn Beck appeared looking like something the cat dragged in, I knew it was time to crank up my crusade against beards. I first ranted about beards in my newsletter in March, 2007 and it's reprinted here with some updating.



The other morning at McDonalds I was enjoying an EggMcMuffin and coffee while attempting to do the New York Times crossword puzzle. I say "attempting" because it was Thursday, and as you may know the Times puzzle gets progressively more difficult as the week wears on. Normally I don't even think about trying it after Wednesday.

While cogitating on a clue for which I knew I could never provide an answer, a bearded creature approached my table and asked if I needed help with the puzzle. He described himself as a "puzzle aficionado." I snarled an unfriendly "no thanks" and he departed, obviously dismayed that I did not favorably respond to his charming offer.

Did I mention he was a bearded creature? He was indeed. A nasty bushy beard hid most of his face. Not only that, but remains of whatever he had been eating clung to the gray-white hairs. It was disgusting.

I loathe and detest beards and any degree of facial hair for a couple of reasons. First, every woman knows that men are not the cleanest of God's creatures. Surely, when you look at a beard or mustache you have to wonder how many Big Mac remnants or last Thanksgiving's turkey are lurking deep in the recesses of the mess. Yes, I know many men are tidy, (as is your dearly beloved, of course) but let's be real – fastidious men are not the norm.

Hygiene or lack thereof is just one issue I have with beards.

This is what's important: how in the world can you tell what a man is all about if you can't see his face? I don't know about you, but I read faces – not just eyes, but faces. I believe a man who covers his face with hair is insecure about who he is or he's trying to hide something more than a double chin. I want to know what's behind the hairy mask.

A male beard is no different that a niquab, a veil worn by Muslin women that covers the lower part of the face. A former British Foreign Secretary asked Muslim women visiting his office to remove their veil. He explained that he felt uncomfortable talking with someone whose face he cannot see. He said that the value of a meeting, as opposed to a letter or phone call is that you can see what the person means, not just what they say. I feel the same way when interacting with a man with a beard.

Veils or beards. What's the difference. They both block full disclosure of identity and possibly, intent. Ever looked at a "Wanted" poster at a Post Office that shows a criminal both bearded and clean shaven? You would never know they were the same person. Ever seen a driver's license photo of a woman with her face covered? No, that would not be allowed. Yet a man can have a beard covering half of his face and it's okay. No, it's not okay. If a woman can't be photographed for a drivers license wearing a veil, a male should not be photographed with a beard.

Young dopey guys wanting to be attractive to young women, think beards make them look like a sexy chick magnet. (Today, young women often desperate for love or attention seem willing to settle for anything so what do I know about what they find attractive.) But old or older guys should just shave it all off. It will make them look younger and enhance whatever attractiveness may still be left.

I think men who wear a beard are struggling with their identity. Men no longer know how to be men. They have been emasculated by a feminist culture that cannot tolerate two distinct genders. As a result, confused males try to reclaim their male identity with facial hair. If you don't think men are confused, look at bearded guys trying to express their maleness wearing earrings and other feminine bling. It's pathetic.

Whatever happened to neat, clean-shaven men in power suits and ties, who knew they were men, who would rather be dead than wear feminizing earrings, necklaces, an "I Love My Mom" tattoo, nose rings, and smelling better than you do. Gone for good? I hope not, but it's probably delusional to hope for what once was.