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Vaccination edition - Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies
Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker
Chicago, IL
Thursday, April 8, 2021




This week's Funnies are going to press earlier than usual because I am scheduled to receive my second COVID-19 vaccine shot, and from what I've read on the internet, which never lies, I will get sick within 24 hours as the cyber tracker takes effect. When it does, Bill Gates will know where I am 24 hours a day. This is great because I don't even know where I am 24 hours a day. Sometimes, I wake up, look around, and wonder "Where the hell am I?" If that happens in the future, all I have to do is call Bill Gates and he can tell me where I am. Whew.

    I am hoping that I don't suffer any ill effects from my second shot. The first one didn't bother me at all, aside from the third nipple that popped up, so I don't envision any problems with this one. And even though I will be fully vaccinated, I will continue to wear my mask but I will be able to start touching my face again. Ah, the good old days.

    I don't know if these times will be considered as the good old days, but after reading this week's Funnies, you might call them the weird old days.


    As you probably know by now, one of the things we sent to Mars is a helicopter which prompts taxpayers everywhere to respond, "What?" I have to agree in that response in that they don't need a helicopter up there yet. There are no tourists to fly around and since there is no traffic, you can drive the rover anywhere on the planet. Scientists said that the helicopter will provide important information about Mars. What are they going to find?

    Do they think there are cities or theme parks in the area? Seeing pictures of Mars, I have come to the conclusion that 1) it's red, 2) It's very dry, and 3) ain't nobody home. So please don't waste our money with helicopters. Next time send up something more practical like a Tesla.


    If you miss Donald Trump, a sculptor in China may be able to help you. The sculptor made a statue of Trump seated in a Buddha like pose. Legs crossed, hands in lap, eyes closed, and hair that looks much better than in real life. The cast of the statue is 4.6 meters tall and is priced at about $600 US. So far, the company has produced 100 copies and has sold out. They are currently making more. 

    This is perfect for Trump fans who aren't ready to give up. One of these statues outside your mobile home would tell everybody that you are, in fact, an idiot who spent his stimulus money on a Trumbuddah. I don't know how the Buddhists are taking to this    other than their new slogan, "Make Buddhism Great Again."


    If you live in Anchorage, Alaska and shop at Costco, be very wary when carrying your groceries to the car. It seems that an unkindness of ravens - yes, that what you call a group of ravens, waits outside the Costco and dive bombs people who are leaving the store. They aim for the food and have been seen grabbing a package of short ribs, fruit, vegetables and flying away with the booty. And God forbid you walk out of the store with a 99 cent hot dog in your hand.

    The only solution that seems to be working is to cover your cart with kale. Even Ravens won't eat that.


As The Professional Summarizer I add a new dimension to your next meeting - especially the virtual ones we all have now.

I listen to the entire meeting and pay attention to every detail. Then I report back to the audience on what they should have learned in the form of a comedy monologue.

What I did with this week's news I can do for your meeting.

News Media Interview Contact
Name: Dale Irvin
Title: Professional Summarizer
Dateline: Downers Grove, IL United States
Direct Phone: 630-235-2038
Cell Phone: 630-235-2038
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