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The Only Good News You Can Find
Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker
Chicago, IL
Friday, August 20, 2021


    In the 1969 movie, The Graduate, we learned that the future of America is one word, "plastics." Now, everything has changed and I think future fortunes are to be made in textiles. 

    In Argentina, the famous football (soccer) player named Messi is considered a legend. At a recent press conference he got emotional about his childhood club and wiped away a tear with his napkin. He also wiped his nose. The next thing you know, the napkin is put up for sale on the internet for $1 million. This gave me an idea.

    We are familiar with Mike Lindell, the crack addict, turned pillow salesman, turned political pain in the butt. He's friends with Donald Trump and if he sent the Donald a load of pillowcases, he could resell them as having Donald Trump's tears from crying himself to sleep every night. Unfortunately they'll probably sell, and if they do, I want a commission.

    If you would like any cloth with my  DNA on it, let me know before laundry day. Until then, enjoy The Friday Funnies.


    When I was growing up, if I complained about being bored or having nothing to do, my mother would tell me to practice my penmanship. I'll bet that Alan Slattery wishes his mother had told him that. 

    Alan is a 68-year-old man in southern England who tried to rob a bank by handing the teller a note…that she couldn't read. His writing was that bad. 

    The teller told him she couldn't read the note and he left with nothing except his image on the bank's security camera. He was later arrested at his home. He was practicing his penmanship at the time.


    A business services company in Ohio is holding a contest to find America's Best Restroom. The public is asked to submit entries for the best public restroom in the country. I think this is like trying to find the best diet ice cream, it doesn't exist. But people voted and the top ten include nine restaurants, which makes sense, and Terminal 4 at JFK airport. 

    I have to admit that I have never been to the washroom in Terminal 4, but I have visited hundreds of other airport bathrooms and my main goal is to get into and out of them as quickly as possible. 

    The only exception I found was in the Munich airport men's room. They had a line of urinals, and at the bottom of each one, a drawing of a fly was etched into the porcelain, as a target! This is genius and well worth a pee. To compete with this the New York airport should etch a picture of Andrew Cuomo in all of their toilets.


    The mother of a toddler in England confessed on the internet that she occasionally gives her daughter the middle finger when she acts up. Mum claims that the act helps her cope with stress but according to her family and many comments on Mumsnet, it is atrocious. The mum says that she does it behind the toddler's back so she doesn't see it but it is still very wrong.

    I have learned from being the grandfather of a toddler, that the best way to teach them a lesson is not through your middle finger, but from your index finger when you ask them to pull it. Lesson learned.

As The Professional Summarizer I add a new dimension to your next meeting - especially the virtual ones we all have now.

I listen to the entire meeting and pay attention to every detail. Then I report back to the audience on what they should have learned in the form of a comedy monologue.

What I did with this week's news I can do for your meeting.

News Media Interview Contact
Name: Dale Irvin
Title: Professional Summarizer
Dateline: Downers Grove, IL United States
Direct Phone: 630-235-2038
Cell Phone: 630-235-2038
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