Tuesday, January 24, 2017
It’s Monday and many caregivers are asking themselves if there was a weekend? Did any of us caregivers really have a break? Possibly not.
My caregiving weekend was filled with the hospitalization of four clients. The first went to the emergency room on Friday afternoon. The second on Saturday morning. Number three and number four most coincidentally at approximately the same time which was 3: 15 a.m. on Sunday morning. What caregiver needs the elusive activity of sleep? As caregivers do we really ever sleep?
This ongoing activity is part of the role of a caregiver. Some care recipients are relatively healthy and do not require substantial time or effort until health changes. Other care recipients have complicated health concerns that require ongoing attention and alertness because something, guaranteed, will always happen.
A daughter of a client of mine and I talk about Murphy’s Law. No matter how well one plans, there is always something that might go wrong. This is especially true in the area of caregiving. Caregivers make plans and the universe changes the plans.
I believe that my clients know when I am planning to take a day off or go on vacation even when I don’t mention this subject. Days before I leave there are hospitalizations or events that would cause even the most experienced caregiver to think otherwise about taking time off.
How many family caregivers experience the same effect? You tell a parent you are going away for the weekend and immediately disaster strikes. The parent becomes immediately ill requiring hospitalization or some other unfortunate event like a hip fracture occurs.
One must wonder if we have become so indispensable that we can’t have a moment of peace and quiet? Being a reliable caregiver represents the Catch 22 of caregiving or as they say stuck “between a rock and a hard place”. Clients, parents, and others come to rely on us because we are reliable, predictable, and seemingly indispensable.
The reality is that we as caregivers are not indispensable even though many caregivers hold this belief. Another person, another caregiver can fill our role. Maybe not exactly as we fill the role however care can and will be provided.
The care recipient is excellent at making the caregiver feel indispensable. “No one can care for me like you.” One might wonder if the care recipient is being gracious and thankful or — possibly manipulative. Are care recipients ever manipulative? Absolutely.
How many time have you, the caregiver, given up an activity because your care recipient needed you? How many times were you leaving to do something for yourself and the phone rang. Mom or dad needs this or that. You immediately change your plans and run to the house of your parents to dutifully fulfill whatever need has been identified. Marshmallow you are!
As caregivers it is critically important to recognize that we cannot and will not be able to provide care forever. We burn out. We become exhausted. We become ill. We will eventually need care.
Caregivers — Find a way to set a boundary. Find a way to say no. Find someone who can step in to provide care so that you can take a break. Run away for a weekend and leave your cellphone at home. Imagine not having to caregive for an entire week so you can take a vacation. It’s possible. Make it happen. Disappear for a day or an entire week. The world will not disintegrate. Your care recipient will survive without you.
You may return to a care recipient who appreciates you even more. Well, perhaps not. You may return to a care recipient who recites the long list of things that your “replacement” did not complete in an attempt to make you feel even more dispensable. Don’t fall for it. Don’t feel guilty. Let your care recipient know that you plan to take another day, another weekend, or another week off very soon!
You have discovered that you are indispensable to you! Make time for your indispensable self.
If you are a caregiver looking for support, check out my book, The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Changes and take back a little bit of your life.
The Caregiving Trap: Back to Caregiving Monday was last modified: January 23rd, 2017 by Pamela Wilson
Pamela D. Wilson, MS, BS/BA, CG, CSA, Certified Senior Advisor specializes in working with family and professional caregivers to navigate healthcare and aging concerns. Wilson, an expert in the field of caregiving, has personally helped thousands of family and professional caregivers since 2000 in her career as an advocate, a care navigator, and an educator. Through her company, The Care Navigator, she is an advocate and service provider in the roles of guardian, power of attorney, care manager, and transition specialist. She was producer and host of The Caring Generation®, from 2009 to 2011, an educational radio program for caregivers on 630 KHOW-AM. In addition to her work at the Care Navigator, Pamela gives back to the community by serving as chairperson of the Community Ethics Committee in Denver, Colorado.
Her new book, The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Changes, will be available on October 6, 2015 through all major bookstores as well as on PamelaDWilson.com. You can find her on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and Linked In.