Divorce is difficult, even when both spouses want it. And the longer you were married, the more painful it is. You’ve lost a companion, a life partner, and an identity. Add to that the financial impact on your lifestyle, the loss of income, loss of mutual friends, and the emotional toll taken—especially if child custody must be worked out. You may wonder if life will ever be “normal” again and if you can ever trust someone with your heart once more. As challenging and distressing as the aftermath of divorce is, know that recovery, healing, and wholeness is possible! Here are five key steps to healing from divorce:

Recognize that you are a person of great value and worth.  

It’s completely natural to feel rejected, unwanted, and undesirable during and after a divorce, particularly if your spouse was the one seeking it. Even if you had some responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship, it doesn’t mean you are irredeemable. A divorce is not a reflection of your worth as a human being.

Accept the divorce and the fact that the marriage is over. 

This is not to say that reconciliations never take place. They do, but they’re rare. “But, it’s reassuring to know that no relationship–at any time–ever really fully ends. Rather it only changes form,” says relationship expert Jennifer Twardowski in a Huffington Post article.

Take the necessary time to grieve, allowing yourself to feel the loss and pain, but don’t stay in that place. Your new reality is life without your ex-spouse. The sooner you can accept it, the quicker your recovery will be. You can’t go back in time and change things that have happened. But you can change the here and now. You can’t control your ex or how he or she treated you, but you can control how you respond. Getting to a place where you can eventually forgive your ex is key. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the other person gets a “free pass”—if there was abuse or infidelity, for example—it means you relinquish your “right” for retaliation. It’s almost impossible to heal and have peace as long as you’re holding onto bitterness and resentment.

Stop hanging onto the past.  

Are you surrounded by reminders of your ex? Then it’s time to make a few changes. If you’re still living in the house you once shared, consider remaking it. A little paint (the color you always wanted but your ex wouldn’t have it), rearranging the furniture, getting new dishes, hanging up inspirational art, replacing your bedspread—these are all little ways in which you can make your home something that expresses your personality and tastes.

Truth is that you’ll never completely forget about your ex,the good times you shared or the bad times you faced. And if you have children, it’s inevitable that your ex will still be in your life to a degree. However, ruminating over what could have been or should have been will only serve to prolong grief, pain, and anger. Discipline yourself to replace bitter thoughts with better thoughts.

Remember: You grew up single, and you thrived.

Do something every day that moves you toward wholeness.

A gratitude journal is great for writing down the things you’re thankful for. If you don’t like the idea of journaling, make a verbal proclamation of what you are grateful for each morning after waking up. Think of the people you’re thankful for and call a different friend or family member every day to say, “I had a few minutes and just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and hope you have a great day!”

Plan activities you can look forward to. If your finances allow it, plan a “date” with yourself or a friend to watch a play, go to a concert or sports event, see a movie, or take a day trip to someplace that you’ve always wanted to go. Start taking music lessons or a class you’re interested in or learn a new language. When you explore new possibilities and step out of your routine, you’ll experience new life and gain fresh confidence in yourself and others.

Go easy on yourself.

Accept that you’re imperfect (along with everyone else) and will make mistakes. It’s okay; that’s part of life and how we grow. Don’t be self-condemning or critical. Wallowing in self-loathing is not healthy; in fact, it’s extremely damaging to your psyche, your emotions, and your relationships. If you have a hard time forgiving yourself and seeing yourself as a person worthy of love and respect, get help! Find a skilled and trusted therapist who can help you walk through depression or self-esteem issues. Many people find solace and healing as they make spiritual connections in a healthy church, synagogue, or other spiritual or religious center.

As you adjust to life as a single, give yourself time to adapt and enjoy your new status. Beware of rushing into a new romantic relationship. It’s important to be in an emotionally healthy place before jumping in again with both feet. Remember: You grew up single and you thrived. Surround yourself with good friends, be willing to change and grow from the experience of divorce, trust that the future will be rewarding and fulfilling and you’ll make great strides in healing and wholeness.

If you’re healing from divorce, loss, or any transition, Kathryn can help you get unstuck and moving forward. If you’d like to chat with her about your relationships, parenting challenges, financial concerns, she’s here for you. Fill out this form for a complimentary no-obligation session.