Remember the children’s chant, “Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief?” It matters not whether you’re a doctor, lawyer, subordinate, or chief; there is one thing many people from all walks of life have in common: low self-esteem. It hasn’t been in short supply during 2020 either. Yet not only does low self-esteem affect the way we see ourselves and others, it impacts our decisions and limits our opportunities. Everyone has moments from time to time when they feel unsure of themselves and their abilities, but someone who lacks self-esteem has developed a pattern of negative thinking that often leads to self-defeating behaviors, unfulfilling (or failing) relationships, and depression. To escape this destructive cycle, here are five habits that lead to healthy self-esteem.

1. Separate Fact from Fiction.

There are facts, and then there are stories.

Fact: I got fired from my job for consistently showing up late.
Story: I got fired because they don’t like me.
Fact: I didn’t pass my biology class because I’m missing three assignments.
Story: I failed biology because I’m just not smart enough.
Fact: My boyfriend broke up with me because we’re not a good match.
Story: My boyfriend left me because I’m a loser.

Get in the habit of looking at the bare facts of who, what, when, and why, and then develop a plan for improvement if needed. In the biology class example above, the fact is the student did not turn in three assignments, not that he isn’t smart. Did he miss the assignments because of neglect or because he did not understand them? If neglect, what can he do to get the work done? If he did not understand them, what can he do to get clarification or extra tutoring? In either case it was not a lack of intelligence.

2. Avoid Comparisons.

If you are always comparing yourself to others, you are sure to come up short on self-esteem. We have a tendency to respect and admire the strengths of other people while evaluating ourselves on our weaknesses and shortcomings. In most cases the person we admire for their success or talent achieved it because they developed the necessary skills over time and with much diligence. It isn’t because they are “luckier” than we are or because the universe gave them favor. If you have the mindset of always being “a day late and a dollar short,” you will sabotage yourself in a self-fulfilling prophecy cycle.

3. Identify and Acknowledge Your Strengths.

You have some things you are average at, some things you are good at, and some things that astound and amaze the people around you. It might be the “uncanny” ability to say the right thing to the right person at the right time. Maybe you are a loyal friend. Perhaps you have a knack for baking, writing, or gardening. Whatever it is, learn to acknowledge and appreciate those abilities. And when someone compliments you on it, graciously accept the compliment! Get out of the habit of downplaying your gifts with self-deprecating responses; “Oh it’s nothing really”, “Anyone could have done it”, “It didn’t turn out as good as I wanted it to”. Embrace your strengths!

4. Define Yourself.

Nothing is more harmful to one’s self-esteem than verbal abuse, especially during childhood. You may have been told hurtful things like:

You’ll never amount to anything.
You’re so stupid.
I wish you had never been born.
You’re a loser.

When the voices of the past whisper or shout in your mind you are not good enough, capable, or worthy, counter them with your own voice—out loud—”I am smart, capable, and of great worth”. Do not let the misguided or hurtful opinions of others define who you are. Your worth and value as a human being is not dependent upon what other people think. You have intrinsic worth as a living soul and it is what you believe about yourself that matters most.

5. Forgive Yourself.

Sometimes we are much harder on ourselves than we are on others, giving them the benefit of the doubt or quickly offering compassion and understanding. Yet, we judge our own actions critically, often holding ourselves to higher standards. This self-blame and recrimination results in feelings of shame, worthlessness, and can even lead to depression. Know that this difficult times will pass. Change is life’s one constant. Concentrate on what you did right, not wrong. And take your mistakes on as lessons for a brighter future.

Everyone makes mistakes and poor choices in their lives; that is part and parcel of life and comes with the territory of being human. Practice being compassionate toward yourself. Take whatever steps are necessary to make things right if possible and then let it go. Sometimes it is not possible to “fix” a situation or make proper amends. If that is the case, ask yourself, “Is holding on to this guilt and blame going to change the past or make anything better?” The answer is no. Forgiving yourself and those who hurt you is one of the most effective ways to achieve inner healing and peace.

Having a healthy self-esteem is an important part of our well-being and mental health. Having low self-esteem can even put our physical health at risk. It gives us the confidence to learn, grow, and develop ourselves so we can reach more of our potential. It improves our relationships with others and brings more contentment into our lives. Make the effort on a daily basis to break the cycle of negative thinking by replacing self-defeating thoughts and actions with affirmations and encouragement.

Want to get a personal, in-depth look at how to develop habits for a healthy self-esteem? I can help! Contact Kathy, a life coach, by clicking here.