Summer is unofficially here and thanks to global warming we should all be sweltering soon. This will be accompanied by sunburn, prickly heat, and mosquitos the size of your head. But don't worry, in just a few months it will be snowing again and we will have all new things to complain about.

    As we get ready for bathing suit season, disturbing news out of London reports that ? of the world's population is obese. That's a lot of people and if they ever all gathered in one spot they could throw the earth out of orbit and we'd all die. For that reason I urge you, if you are obese, please do not get near other obese people. The law of attraction will draw you together and before you know it, we'll all be pulled into a Wal-Mart. For the sake of us all, please, put the forks down.

    As if that wasn't enough to worry about for one week, here are the stories of real people who walk among us and do really stupid stuff.

GUNS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM

    When a crime occurs, people always jump on guns as the cause, but this week we learned that guns don't rob people, sticks rob people.

    In Neptune Beach, Florida, a Tennessee man walked into the Sun Trust Bank, displayed an object in a black plastic bag and demanded money. He took his loot and ran away but police found him a short time later with his weapon, a stick in a black plastic bag. 

    Meanwhile, in Rock Hill, South Carolina, an ice cream truck driver was assaulted by a 72-year-old man after claiming he was given the wrong change. His weapon of choice? A fudge bar, which of course, contains a stick. 

    What we need in this country is a moratorium on sticks and a three day waiting period before you can get one. Remember that both sticks and stones can break bones so please act responsibly.

GOD BLESS OLD PEOPLE

    An elderly woman in Kansas City, Missouri was tired of mowing her lawn so she got rid of it. Georgianna Reid had 80 tons of sand dumped in her yard to cover up the lawn and eliminate mowing forever. Not all of the neighbors like her new re-do but authorities said that no laws are being broken because the sand is being used for landscaping purposes.

    She said that she wanted to turn her house into a beach even though Kansas City is several miles away from the nearest ocean. And while the neighbors don't like it, the neighborhood cats are calling their friends to invite them over to the best litter box ever.

STOP THE INSANITY, OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS

    In 2013, more than 260 people named their newborn babies Kale. That's right, Kale, like in the salad green. What the heck is up with that? Unfortunately people like Gwyneth Paltrow and the Kardashian-West's gave their kids goofy names and now everybody thinks they can do it. I say, why stop at Kale?

    I think children should be named for all things found in the grocery store. Names like Romaine, Gluten, Muenster, and Giblet would make good names, and if you're having twins you could go with Fiber and Flax for names that are sure to get things moving.