Welcome to the first day of August, the 213th day of the year, and opening day of Lollapalooza. Lollapalooza, for the uninitiated, is a three day music festival held in Grant Park in Chicago. Attendance for the three-day event will surpass 300,000. It's just like Woodstock except it costs $100 a day.  

    This year's Lollapalooza line up includes Jagwar Ma, Rat King, and Fitz & The Tantrums. Go ahead, sing along. Obviously the demographic for Lollapalooza is adults in their 20's and 30's. This got me to thinking that it's time for a Lollapalooza for Baby Boomers. We'll call it Lollapageezer.

    Bands would include anybody from our era who is still alive. This includes half of the Righteous Brothers, some of The Beach Boys, and all four Eagles. Food and liquor would be combined in the form of Jell-O shots with fiber, and a tent will be provided for emergency hip surgery. Free walker parking and a complimentary shuttle to and from the Porta-Potties. Three days of peace, love, and arthritis. Let's make this happen.

    Things were happening all over the world this week which prompts a dedication to News From Around The World.

EVERYBODY, DO THE CRAB WALK

    Pirate King is a seafood restaurant in Beijing, China, and they recently hired teenage girls to walk crabs around town on leashes. The promotional stunt was supposed to draw attention, but crab activists complained that crabs don't like to walk and this was torture. This prompts the question, "Crab activists?"

    The restaurant manager Peng Mai said that the crabs didn't suffer for long because as soon as they got back, they were put into the cooking pot which, the crabs were told was a spa.The crab activists, or Crabbies, have not responded.

I'M NOT SO THINK AS YOU DRUNK I AM.    

    A Thompson Airlines flight from Tunisia to Edinburgh, Scotland was diverted to London because of an unruly passenger.

    Drunken passengers are always a problem on airlines, especially when they get belligerent (drunkenness stage 3). In this case, the trouble maker was a 48-year-old woman who got on board pre-inebriated and continued drinking in the air. 

    At one point she demanded cigarettes and a parachute, then she slapped a young girl, and started assaulting a crew member with her prosthetic leg. She took off her fake leg and just started swinging it around. Eventually a crew member got a hold of her leg and wrenched it away from her so she began kicking him with her good leg.

    The plane put down in London and the woman was taken away by police. With all of the eye witnesses to the attack, one barrister said that in court, "this woman doesn't have a leg to stand on." (rim shot)

NO LAUGHS FOR YOU

    The Deputy Prime Minister of Turkey said that honest women should not laugh in public.This could be the reason that the Turkish comedy club business is way down. According to Bulent Arinc, women should not laugh nor make a display of their attractiveness in public. This means that after she leaves public life, Nancy Pelosi could relocate to Turkey with no problem. Enjoy the taffy.