A Three-Step Process for Constructively Conveying Concerns

Difficult conversations are inevitable. We’ve all had those moments when we must voice concerns, address an issue, or share negative feedback. To make difficult conversations less difficult, try my three-step process for constructively conveying concerns:

A.I.R. – A- Awareness, I- Impact, R- Request 

AWARENESS  – Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are not aware that what they are doing is a problem.

Sometimes participants in my audience quietly confess after my communication keynote that they recognize themselves and were not previously aware of the negative impact of their behavior. They had been walking around with the proverbial spinach in their teeth and no one had told them.

Following are possible phrases that you can use to make the other person aware of your concerns and also give them the benefit of the doubt.  As with all suggested phrases, you are encouraged to choose the ones you like the best and ignore the rest.

“Awareness” phrases include:

“I’m sure that it wasn’t your intention to…”

“Perhaps you didn’t realize that…”

“I noticed that…”

“I’m getting the impression that…”

“It seems like…”

IMPACT – Share the negative impact of the person’s behavior.

This second step is a great litmus test if you are still unsure whether or not to confront.  This is the “so what?” question.  Why confront?  Oh yeah, that’s right – the person’s behavior is negatively affecting you or others. This is the time to share with the other person HOW the behavior is negatively impacting you, the team, or whomever it affects.  Sometimes their behavior may even have a negative impact on them. (For example – “When you turn in your part of the project late and we miss the deadline, I’m concerned that it makes us both look unprofessional.”)

“Impact” phrases include:

“I’m concerned that…”

“I worry that….”

“I feel that…”

“When you do ______it makes me feel ________”

“When you say______the way it affects the office is ______”

REQUEST (Not a demand!)

Specifically, what do you want the person to do differently?  In what way would you like them to change?

This step is the most overlooked of the three steps.  It is easy for most people to identify what they don’t want.  For example:

“I wish my co-workers would stop complaining all the time.”  But what do you want them to do instead?

• Keep concerns to themselves?
• Find a positive way to express their concerns?
• Complain to the boss or someone who can change things?The list of possible changes is long.  Most people are not mind readers, so you must let them know what YOUR preference is. And the request must be clear and direct!

“Request” phrases include:

“Could you please….”

“Next time I would appreciate…”

“I really need your help with…”

“I would rather you…”

“Let’s”

Or, if you want to request their input regarding future action, use:

“Would you be willing to…?

“How can we resolve this?”

“What are our options?”

“Would you consider…”

“Would it be possible to….”

Try this three-step process in your next tough talk and notice how it makes difficult conversations less difficult.

This blog is partially excerpted from Sarita’s first book If You Can’t Say Something Nice, What DO You Say?