There are countless tips out there about connecting in dating, but none of them matter if you struggle with making connections that actually mean something. Not just any connection, the right kind of connection.

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re at a party or a single’s event, and you meet someone you’re physically attracted to. You “connect” and talk for about fifteen minutes on very superficial subjects like the latest new restaurant or the upset of the local football team.

But it’s all just small talk. No true connection was established. No phone number was exchanged and the possibility of making a first date is not mentioned. You leave the party or event with no new dating prospects.

If this is happening more often than you’d like, it’s a sign to pause and get curious. Why is it easy and natural to connect with some people while other conversations leave you feeling empty? 

It’s because genuine connection forms around deeper points of alignment, not around small talk. Once you understand what creates that alignment, everything about connection, dating, and relationships becomes clearer. 

Those connection points usually show up in four places:

• Similar life experiences
• Shared values
• Similar life goals
• Similar perspectives (i.e., Political, Cultural, etc.)

1. Life Experiences 

Similar life experiences can create an instant sense of familiarity. They shape your identity and so finding someone who understands where you’re coming from can create meaningful connections early on. 

Maybe you’re both divorced and understand the responsibility of raising kids and healing from a past relationship. Or perhaps you went to the same college and find yourself laughing about the same traditions or memorable spots on campus.

I once witnessed a couple bond over the fact that they were both divorced and both lawyers. They even knew some of the same people who worked in the law field.

What this looks like: 

Life experiences are one of the easiest ways to create early rapport because they give both people something real to connect around. Your goal is not to overshare, but simply to offer a small piece of your story that opens the door for the other person to relate.

You might say:

• “I moved here a few years ago and I am still finding my favorite spots.”
• “My kids are teenagers, so life stays interesting.”
• “I recently changed careers and it has been a good challenge.”

These small statements give the other person room to say, “I’ve been there too” or “I know that experience well.”

You might ask:

• “What brought you to this area?”
• “How did you get started in your field?”
• “What stage of life feels most ‘real’ for you right now?”

These questions gently reveal overlap you can build on without feeling intrusive.  

2. Shared Values 

Shared values are critical for creating a lasting connection and form the foundation of a meaningful relationship because they influence how you live and what you invest in. When your values match, you naturally move in the same direction. 

If health and wellness matter to you, it is easier to connect with someone who also values staying active, eating well, and taking care of their body. You might go on a bike ride together or explore a local farmers market. 

Maybe family and togetherness are part of your core relationship values. Then you are looking for someone who also enjoys time spent with family instead of isolated activities or who prefers living close to family members instead of across the country.  These are simple moments, yet they help two people see whether their day-to-day priorities line up in a way that supports long-term compatibility.

What This Looks Like

Values guide your choices and lifestyle, so talking about them naturally reveals compatibility. You do not have to frame it in heavy terms. Instead, share something simple that reflects what matters to you.

You might say

• “I try to make time for fitness because it helps me stay centered.”
• “Faith is a big part of my life, so I like being involved in my church community.”
• “I appreciate people who are responsible with money. It shows character.”

These small glimpses invite the other person to respond with their own values or affirm yours.

You might ask:

• “What helps you feel grounded during a busy week?”
• “What’s something you prioritize in your daily life?”
• “Are there values you grew up with that still matter to you?”

Values conversations help you sense whether someone thinks, lives, and chooses in a way that aligns with your own long-term vision.

3. Life Goals

When you meet someone with the same life goals, that gives the green light for exploring a connection further. If you’re looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage (or as I say, you’re Motivated to Marry) and you both recognize that, and you’re attracted to one another physically, then it gives you a strong pull towards seeing each other again for a first date.

When I was single, I met some men who I quickly realized were NOT Motivated to Marry. Because my goal was marriage and a family, there was no reason spend any more time with them, let alone plan a first date.

What This Looks Like

Talking about the future does not have to feel intense. It can be as simple as sharing what you’re looking forward to.

You might say:

• “I am at a point where building a committed partnership is important to me.”
• “I love my career, but I also want a life that has room for a relationship.”
• “I am thinking about what the next chapter looks like now that my kids are older.”
  

You might ask:

• “What are you looking for in this stage of life?”
• “What does a fulfilling next chapter look like for you?”
• “How do you hope your life will grow or change in the next few years?”

When your goals match in both timing and direction, the conversation begins to feel more intentional and hopeful.

4. Perspective

Perspective and worldview matters more than most people realize. You can be attracted to someone, enjoy their company, and still struggle because you see the world in completely different ways. Which can make life together can be more difficult than it needs to be.

For example, if you enjoy conflict and debate, then you may want to find a partner who also relishes that. Other people prefer to connect with someone who shares their political views and/or has similar expectations around faith. They find comfort in having someone with whom to share their personal views and who just seems to “get” them.

When your perspectives line up, life feels easier. You communicate more smoothly and feel like the other person just “gets” your way of thinking.

What this looks like: 

Perspective shows up in subtle ways during early conversations. It comes through in how someone handles stress, talks about challenges, expresses their beliefs, or describes what they want from life. You do not need to jump into heavy topics to learn how someone sees the world. You can simply pay attention to how they talk and what they prioritize.

You might say:

• “When things get difficult, I try to stay calm and look for solutions.”
• “Faith is big for me. It shapes a lot of how I make decisions.”
• “I prefer open conversations when something feels off. It helps me feel connected.”

These simple statements often invite the other person to share their own worldview without feeling pressured.

You might ask:

• “How do you usually handle stressful situations?”
• “What kind of communication feels most respectful to you?”
• “Are there beliefs or values that guide the choices you make?

As they answer, listen for clues that connect back to your way of looking at life.  

While it’s true that “opposites attract”, what is more true is that similarities sustain.  

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s great to appreciate new experiences, ideas, customs, etc. And you probably don’t want someone who is exactly like you. If you’re both carrying the same baggage or have the same flaws, it’s hard to support each other in healthy ways. 

However, you’ll find it’s easier to connect with new people, online dating matches, or even a first date when you find common ground across your life experiences, values, life goals, and/or ways of looking at life. Connecting on the important things is what will help you build lasting connections and even lasting love. 

If you need help getting clear about these important points of compatibility, let’s talk. 

Go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/ and book your complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy session today to learn more about how my proven dating process has helped hundreds of seriously searching singles find true love. This program can be a game-changer for you!