The dilemma is real. And the answer isn’t always as obvious as you might think. Shouldn’t it be obvious if you’re in the right relationship … or not?

If only life and love were that simple.

It’s not unusual for a client to come to me in a quandary. “We’ve been dating exclusively for over a year, but I’m just not sure if this relationship is ‘the one.’ What should I do?”

When clients present this dilemma, I can tell something’s nagging at them.

There’s something that makes them think their relationships won’t work for the long run; yet they can’t put their finger on it.

Sound familiar?

Chances are you’ve been there at least once. Most of us have.

Are you in the right relationship? And how do you know without making a huge mistake one way or the other?

If it is right, should you be swooning and seeing fireworks every time you’re together? Should you be able to say you’ve never had an argument or been angry with one another?

And, if it’s not right, should you be able to point to constant fighting or a fading interest in one another?

Again, if only life and love were that simple.

But we know they’re not. And we know that, just because two people are “nice” and have common interests, they’re not necessarily destined for the altar.

As a dating coach, I help clients be their best selves in the dating world. I coach them into a clear vision of themselves and their relationship goals.

I also teach them how to recognize the difference between a “dating experience” and “the right relationship.”

There is a lot to be learned from dating. Finding “the one” on the first try, after all, is an unrealistic expectation (although it does happen).

But putting your best self forward en route to meeting “the one” can be a clarifying and refining process. Every date and every relationship reveals more essential details about yourself. 

And that information will be indispensable when you really need to know if you’re in the right relationship.

Here’s how I approach a client who’s afraid of making the wrong decision about a serious relationship.

Asking yourself the same questions can help you figure out your own situation, even if you’re not (yet) wondering if you’re where you truly belong.

• How do you feel when you’re with this person?

  Does your partner help you feel special, cared for, and adored?

  Do you look forward to spending time with this person?

  Do you miss him or her when he/she isn’t around?

  Does your conversation flow to the point where you don’t know where the time has gone?

  Do you want to share something special with this person when something great happens or when you’re upset?

  These questions get to the experience of being in a relationship that has the potential to go the distance.

• Do you feel respected and are your needs being honored?

  Respect is the glue of any relationship. Think about any couple you know with a “right relationship,” and you will have no trouble recognizing the respect between them.

  It’s important that you feel you’re being heard and that your needs are being met. As obvious as that may sound, those fundamental expectations can’t be met without underlying mutual respect.

  For example, Susan is a single parent who also has a full-time career. She needs a supportive partner who understands the demands on her time, not a partner who complains about not getting enough time with her.

  What would that look like in a relationship with potential to go the distance?

  Her partner would find ways to support her. He would be flexible and understanding (even admiring) of her dedication as a parent, maybe even offering to help out when she needs childcare.

• Do you share the same goals for life?

  The mismatching of life goals is far more common in relationships than you might think.

  Couples get swept up in physical attraction, common interests, and the enjoyment of doing things together. But, when they stand before “the big picture,” they don’t see the important things that will sustain them down the road.

  Casual dating is one thing. But marriage-minded people know they have to check off more boxes than just attraction, personality, and even similar values.

  They have to be looking in the same direction. Otherwise they will inevitably go their separate ways.

  Debbi was a client who wanted to retire to Florida. Her boyfriend still had kids at home, even though they were in college. He had no intention of moving or retiring any time soon.

  To add to their challenges, they lived in different cities!

  In the long run, the relationship couldn’t survive, and they broke up.

  My client Stanley wanted to get married and have a family. He thought he’d found the perfect woman for him.

  However, a month before the wedding, his fianceé backed out of moving to New York from Boston. Her family was in Boston, and she didn’t want to leave them. She also preferred starting a business in Boston to starting her life with Stanley in New York.

  Ouch.

  Were they in the right relationship for themselves? Probably not. But they didn’t come to that truth until it was almost too late.

  Yes, there will be unavoidable heartbreak if the decision is to go. But a “preventive heartbreak” is so much better than the slow erosion of love between two people who really aren’t meant to be together.

• Do you trust this person to have your back?

  Ultimately, all relationships come down to trust. If you can’t trust this person, then what do you really have?

  Do you trust this person to follow up on and keep his/her word?

  Can you reach this person in a pinch?

  Do you experience “dead zones” in communication – unanswered texts and phone calls for days at a time?

  Can you trust that what you see is what you actually get?

  Building trust in a relationship usually happens in the first couple months of dating.

  However, “true grit” trust is forged (or lost) during times of unexpected, even unprecedented, challenge.

  For example, when Alice’s mom ended up in the hospital, Alice needed support. Her partner of 5 months, however, was nowhere to be found.

  Turns out he was helping an old girlfriend.

  Needless to say, Alice wasted no time breaking up with him.

  It may have taken five months of hoping she was in the right relationship to discover she actually wasn’t. But thankfully she learned an important lesson and valued her life enough to move on.

• Can you depend on this person in tough times or times of illness?

  In the previous example, it’s obvious that Alice couldn’t depend on her partner in times of need.

  It also demonstrates that her partner wasn’t truly invested in the relationship.

  I feel so fortunate to have a husband that I can depend on in times of sickness or family loss.

  In 2015, when I was flat on my back with a herniated disc, my husband was there for me, making sure I got everything I needed. He was my advocate at the hospital and my caring nurse when I returned home.

  Finding true love is difficult enough. You should never believe you’re doing the work of love alone.

There are so many factors that go into deciding if you’re in the right relationship for considering greater commitment. It’s not an easy decision to make.

And emotions make both discernment and decisions more difficult.

Sometimes it’s better to leave a relationship in order to honor yourself and what you truly desire from life.

And yet, it’s not unusual for a couple to be in the right relationship – even the ideal relationship – and not realize it!

Even if you have clear answers to the questions above, the process of putting them together into a final decision isn’t always as clear.

If you need support and encouragement to make the “Am I in the right relationship?” decision, you’ve come to the right place.

Ask me about my “Shall I stay or shall I go?” coaching packages and pre- and post-engagement couples coaching. My pre-engaged couples can attest to the difference coaching has made in their commitment and path to marriage.

To schedule a consult, go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/