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Confessing (most of) My #HusbandFromHell Moments
Greg Schwem -- America's Favorite Corporate Funnyman Greg Schwem -- America's Favorite Corporate Funnyman
For Immediate Release:
Dateline: Chicago , IL
Tuesday, April 02, 2019


#HusbandfromHell was trending on Twitter last week, which made me wonder if my wife had suddenly opened a Twitter account.  She claims she hasn’t but the Twitterverse is awash in anonymity, allowing anyone to toss vitriolic comments at individuals without revealing his or her true identity.  Just ask California Congressman Devin Nunes.

Turns out, “husband from hell” appeared in a tweet from our nation’s Tweeter-in-Chief, none other than President Trump himself.  Trump slapped the label on George Conway, husband of top White House adviser Kellyanne Conway.  Despite his wife’s lofty position, George and Trump have, via Twitter, engaged in a heated war of words, with Conway questioning Trump’s mental fitness for his job, and Trump responding with words that set Melania Trump’s anti-bullying campaign back light years.

“George Conway, often referred to as Mr. Kellyanne Conway by those who know him, is VERY jealous of his wife’s success & angry that I, with her help, didn’t give him the job he so desperately wanted,” Trump tweeted.  “I barely know him but just take a look, a stone cold LOSER & husband from hell!

Countless individuals took to Twitter to remind Trump of his marital dalliances and willingness to put now-convicted felons on his payroll.  Conway was more direct, simply responding “You are nuts.”

Just a typical day in Washington DC.

The back and forth on social media over what constitutes a good husband versus one from Satan’s kingdom made me take stock of my own position as soulmate to my wife of 25 years.  What exactly, I wondered, would it take for her to refer to me in such derogatory terms?  I’ve been faithful so please remove cheating from the list of atrocities.  But, I admit, there have been other moments in our marriage that, some would argue, make me a hellish husband.  In the spirit of transparency, I will now list, to the best of my ability, everything that could net me that title.

June 1997 – While replacing our infant daughter’s diaper, I inadvertently clunked her head on the side of the changing table, resulting in a howl neither of us had heard since the delivery room.  When my wife asked, what had happened, I responded, “Uh, maybe she’s teething?” Incidentally, that was my go-to excuse every time either of our kids cried in my presence. Up until all their teeth came in.

August 2001 – I dropped a steak on the cement while barbecuing, quickly scooped it up and returned it to the grill.  My plan was to eat that one myself, gravel and all, but when my wife pointed to it and said, “Can I have that one?” what was I to do? Note to novice outdoor chefs: An open flame will usually burn off unwanted remnants from meat.  Dirt being a prime example.

May 2015 – Rather than hurry home from the party supply store to help set up for my daughter’s graduation party, I succumbed to temptation via the sign outside the adjoining liquor store stating, “FREE BEER TASTING TODAY!”  Ninety minutes later, I returned and remarked, to my wife about the “incredibly long lines” at the party store.

“Maybe we should open one,” I said.

“Maybe you should open a microbrewery,” she replied, while handing me a breath mint.

December 2017 – She wears size medium.  In everything.  But sometimes clothes get placed onto incorrect racks at the mall. Such as the extra-large blouse she unwrapped on Christmas morning. I’m still apologizing for that one.

January 2019 – Occasionally, when packing in haste for a business trip, I’ll forget tasks that keep the house running smoothly.  Paying a bill or scheduling a repairman come to mind.  Both can be rectified with a simple phone call or email.  Leaving the snow blower without gas with the forecast calls for ten inches of snow? Different story.  Had my wife been on Twitter, my hashtag would have been downgraded to #HusbandShouldBurninHell

There. I feel better.  George Conway, if you’re reading this, why don’t you list your transgressions and send them to President Trump, inviting him to do the same?

Or would that be collusion?

Comedy With a Byte, Inc.
Lemont, IL