The bomb just dropped. Those devastating words you thought you would never hear just blew up your dreams for the future: “I want a divorce.." Or maybe you saw it coming, yet it was still a shock. Sure, you knew your marriage had problems (or maybe you didn’t; maybe you thought everything was great), but you never imagined divorce! You were in it for the long-haul. Yet here you are—confused, angry, hurt, and alone. Here are 5 things you need to know about healing from a divorce you didn’t want.

Beware of tunnel vision. 

It’s easy to become so focused on your pain and loss that you lose sight of important things on the periphery. Do you have children or elderly parents depending on you? Is your job suffering? What things or relationships are being neglected?

Keep the big picture in sight. Expand your vision. Doing so will help you bring balance to your life. Taking care of others and yourself is one way to diminish the hurt and set you on the path to wholeness.

Beware of extremes.

Are you biting off more than you can chew? In your desire to get past the divorce, are you trying every program, book, and method you can get your hands on? Slow down. Take small steps rather than expecting to make giant leaps.

Instead of signing up for three divorce recovery groups, two counseling sessions a week, a local singles club, and a bowling league in addition to subscribing to 15 relationship email lists and bringing home a stack of books and videos from the library, pause! Take a deep breath. You’ll overwhelm yourself in a frenzy to move on. Healthy recovery is a slow process. Choose two, or maybe three things at most at a time, that can assist in your healing. Chew on new ideas and ways of doing things. Digest them. Implement them. Think in terms of baby steps.

Beware of shame.

Maybe you’re the only one in your family to divorce, or your spouse left you for someone else. Unfortunately, there is a stigma attached to divorce in many circles, even if it wasn’t your choice. There are many reasons a person feels shame after a marriage ends, but they are not good reasons.

You have value and worth as a human being whether or not someone else rejected you. Even if your actions or neglect contributed to your spouse’s decision to divorce (few cases are completely one-sided), wallowing in shame will only serve make things worse and impede your healing. Humans make mistakes. We do foolish things. We make bad choices. Yet, that doesn’t diminish your intrinsic worth. Acknowledge your culpability, learn from it, and then let go.

Beware of escapism.

Self-neglect is one of the biggest post-divorce dangers. Eating a half-gallon of ice cream a day while watching mind-numbing TV shows will only add to your waistline, not to your recovery. And that daily six-pack of beer or pint of Jim Beam will neither give you a fulfilling life nor hopeful prospects for the future. Whether you engage in unwise or harmful activities as a means of avoiding reality or to “punish." yourself, these behaviors are self-defeating and will have far-reaching consequences that you may never have intended.

The surest way to survive and thrive is by facing the situation head-on, dealing with issues as they come along, and opening yourself up to the very real potential of living a fulfilling and happy life.

Beware of identity crisis.

It’s natural to struggle with knowing who you are after a divorce, especially if you were married for many years. If your identity was tied into your role—wife, mother, husband, father, provider—it may be difficult to see yourself as an individual with your own likes, dislikes, desires, and dreams.

It’s important to remember that you are a unique individual outside of the role you had when you were married. Marriage is a time of change, discovery, and transformation. And divorce is no different. It’s a time of change, rediscovery, and the chance for new transformation. You are no less a person now than you were when you were married. Your worth is not dependent upon having a spouse. Grab hold of the opportunity to define yourself, to set goals, and to dream about what you want to do with your life. The field is wide open.

Healing from a divorce you didn’t want is not easy; it’s not meant to be. Be persistent in your efforts to heal. Be patient with yourself. Don’t let fear hold you back. There will be challenges to overcome and hardships to endure. Yet, despite all the pain that ensues after divorce, you can recover and move forward to a rewarding, happy future.

If you’d like to talk about it, or want to investigate healing it, I’m here for you. You need only reach out to me. I know from my own experience that you can heal from any break-up, loss, or death and be happy again.