Friday, September 21, 2018
A single divorced working mom definitely faces struggles single working women without children don’t have. The break up alone was heartbreaking, but taking up the slack of even the laziest husband in terms of keeping the household running and the bills paid ads another dimension to the word “divorce.” Single divorced working moms are my mom-heroines. When I’m having my very worst day, I remember that I have a partner who does the laundry.
About half of my clients are single, and the other half are divorced with kids. They all are women, and they most often come to me in overwhelm.
Often they’re relieved at the ended marriage, even if their partner was the one who wanted out, but they don’t know how to fit everything they’re now solely responsible for into their lives and still be there for their kids. “Self-care?” they scoff. “Creativity? I don’t have time for that!”
I must agree that I’m in awe of their amazing ability to juggle and keep it all going. Yet here are five struggles that my clients present most with some suggested solutions:
“I’m too busy for self-care.”
Self-care doesn’t need to be a trip to the Bahamas, no matter how enticing that sounds. It can be meditating before the kids get up, taking a lavender salt bath while they nap or at school, or even saying no to chairing a PTA committee. It’s about creating boundaries at work, home, and everything else you do. It’s about buying your kids’ Halloween costumes instead of making them.
“I hate my job.”
Many divorced moms feel they must take whatever job they have already or are offered when the separation happens. This simply isn’t true long-term. Once you have a job, you’re instantly more marketable. Start to network, even if it’s within the organization you currently work for. Learn to market yourself. Online networking can happen any time, anywhere. Research and identify one group that you’d love to join, and try to join it. If you can’t do that, take walks with other single divorced moms and brainstorm. You can take walks with other people even if you’re pushing a stroller. Some of the best women’s businesses were born pushing strollers.
“I don’t have enough money.”
Sometimes you don’t know where your next dollar is coming from, let alone your rent. Having been single and without children (but sending money home to support my ill mother), I can certainly relate. Yet even though I made much less than $15K a year when I was single and sent one-third of it home, I was still able to go to parties or invite friends over. Once a month, I’d eat out (even if it was fast food) or see a movie. I made time to walk or read in the park (something you can do with kids). Money is important, but money isn’t a great memory or taking time to have fun, with or without your kids there. No babysitter, you say? Start a sitting coop or look at a time trade.
“I’m too distracted to be creative.”
You can be creative even at your job. I used to take 30 minutes to figure out HOW to make my current job more creative, and my boss appreciated my input. Creativity is breathing life into the moment, and innovating. There are few bosses that wouldn’t appreciate a little innovative, out of the box thinking. If you love to express yourself artistically outside of the 9 to 5, and you can’t enroll in any kind of studio or workshop, then why not start your own once a week or once a month for single divorced moms who are starving to write, draw, paint, sing, or whatever creativity they want to pursue. Put a big table in the room or outside with finger painting and toys for the kids. Have everybody brown bag it, so you’re not cooking, too.
“I’m can’t have a social life.”
If you mean “dating,” have you asked yourself if you’re ready? If you are, make sure your kids are ready. If everybody seems ready for new friends, then ask another person out on a date and arrange for child care. I probably don’t have to tell any of you where to find that date. Yet courage is required if you’re interested. It’s okay to make the first move. And one more piece of advice: Wait until you’re sure about having them in your life before you bring them home…for any reason. You get my drift.
Instead of missing your kiddo when she’s attending something with your ex, savor the time alone, with friends, or with a date. Take advantage of the little bit of breathing time you’re given instead of imagining how much fun your child is having without you, or worse, with your former partner. Relish your freedom and all the control you have over your life now.
To make this work, you need a list of people (with contact info) to call to support you and your family. Use your creativity to make this list. Make it as long as you can: family members, friends, neighbors, professionals, people from faith-based organizations, teen babysitters, even colleagues. Include what you’d ask these people to help with. If you rely on your best friend or mother all the time, there will come a time they decline to do something. Go to your list before that time. Ask well in advance of what you need, unless in an emergency, but ask often.