Downers Grove, IL

Friday, July 03, 2009

It's July 3, 2009 and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

Today is Independence Day Eve and, for me, it's as exciting as Christmas Eve. Tonight I will hang up my stocking by the fireplace and go to bed early in the hope that the Founding Fathers will come during the night and leave the gift of governmental competence. Thus far that hasn't happened and my stocking is always gone in the morning.

Michael Jackson was joined in the Great Beyond this week by Billy Mays, famous TV pitchman. I find it to be an interesting coincidence that Billy sold Oxi-Clean and Michael Jackson used to bathe in Oxi-Clean while taking Oxycontin. Conspiracy theorists, please share your thoughts. And now, the news.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

J Spot The Pot – Distributors of marijuana are becoming cleverer and cleverer in devising new ways to disguise their illegal goods. In Litchfield, Connecticut a teenager was busted for selling pot packed in McNuggets boxes. Cops noticed people going into his apartment empty handed and coming out with a McNuggets box and a goofy grin. The teen said he used the McNuggets boxes because he had about 100 of them lying around from previous munchie attacks.

In Dallas, Texas, William Dale tried to smuggle 100 pounds of pot inside a casket. After stopping him for running a red light, improper lane change, and not wearing a seat belt, police discovered a casket in the back of Dale's van, and when you find a casket in somebody's van you just have to look. The casket contained no body but it did have a batch of tasty buds. On his way to jail, Mr. Dale asked officers if they could make a quick stop for some McNuggets.

J Who Let The Dogs Out? – The oldest schoolboy excuse for not having your homework done is that "the dog ate it" This week, it actually happened as dogs devoured documents in Washington and Wisconsin. Kristin Banfield of Arlington, WA was accused of taking money out of her ex-husband's bank account without his permission. As her excuse, Kristin told authorities that, "My dog got into my purse and ate all of my personal checks" This, she rationalized, allowed her to illegally take money out of her ex's account.

In Eau Claire, WI, 17-year-old Jon Meier was denied permission to board an airplane for a class trip. His Spanish class was on its way to Peru, but when Jon presented his passport at the airport, he was not allowed to board. Authorities discovered that his dog had chewed up part of his passport containing the ID number and this rendered the passport void. Jon missed the trip and spent the week swearing at his dog in Spanish.

J No More Needs To Be Said – A British man was rushed to the hospital after he tried to circumcise himself with a nail clipper. Apparently the man had been drinking and told his friends what he was about to do. One of his friends said, "We just thought it was the liquor talking. We never thought he'd be able to pull it off" (rim shot)

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Just Imagine

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695