For Immediate Release:

Friday, August 28, 2015

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41070811081776792072015-07-30T10:30:05.403-05:00For anyone on the Love and Logic JourneyThe Love and Logic website is www.loveandlogic.com)Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.comBlogger236125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-25294528778314545082014-04-14T08:22:00.000-05:002014-04-14T08:22:04.788-05:00

 Want to use Love and Logic on a rainy day?  Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-75802406112542950052014-03-27T10:03:00.003-05:002014-03-27T10:03:56.576-05:00One of the founders of Love and Logic, Jim Fay, says that Love and Logic does not teach parents to take away privileges as a disciplinary technique. They suggest using the Energy Drain technique instead. Even though it is similar, the wording creates a different thought process. 

I posted this a few years ago but it still fits.

Kids stump us. So next time you are stumped try losing all your energy and see what happens. 

Example: Children fighting with one another in the car or at home

Mom (leading with empathy): "Oh Man...

Mom: (stating the problem): "When you guys fight like that it just drains all my energy. " (This would be a good time if you are at home to stop what you are doing and lie on the couch or find a safe place to pull the car over in a boring parking lot.)

Mom: (stating the consequence either delayed or immediate): "I know I told you we were going to stop for ice cream on the way home, but now I just don't have the energy for that." One Mom I know just drove home, didn't stop at DQ and didn't tell the kids all her energy was gone until after they said, "Hey, what about ice cream?"

The next step is follow through. As the children complain loudly, you can simply and empathetically say "I know. I wanted to stop for ice cream too." One important thing to remember is to not to explain why you made the decision you did. They really are smart enough to figure it out. Also, do not warn them before you use this technique. Love and Logic teaches parents not to use warnings, threats, or lectures. Sometimes when it comes to words, less is more!

Follow up: Now comes the next step.... you might not have energy to do anything for the kids until they put some energy back in you. 

How do they out energy back in to you? Dusting, cleaning a bathroom; swiffering the kitchen floor; having cereal for supper so you don't have to cook; using their allowance to pay for a babysitter so you can rest; giving you a neck rub and bringing you a glass of cold ice tea... etc.

Here's a link for using the Energy Drain at bedtime by Jim Fay click here
Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-21636856197822788002014-01-16T10:20:00.000-06:002014-01-16T10:22:17.570-06:00Letting kids argue with you sets everyone up for failure.  How?
Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-58570458285599736742013-04-06T15:43:00.000-05:002013-04-07T11:29:41.929-05:00Cribs are little mini baby jails with bars.  So establishing a consistent bedtime routine and getting an infant to "stay" in bed is relatively easy.  But, sooner or later, when they learn to climb out of the crib or it becomes time to transfer them to a real bed, problems can begin.  Having a strategic plan in place before hand will help (or you can always "back-fill" if you need to).  Here are some strategies other parents have experimented with.

First and foremost - have a consistent and predictable bedtime routine that happens at the same time every night. Children need routine.  It feels safe.  Be sure this includes a slow winding down of energetic activity. Good sleep hygiene is a gift you are giving your child that will pay handsome dividends for them later in life. (For Love and Logic info click here.)

1. Include lots of choice in the pre-bedtime routine to meet control needs. (Examples: Do you want to brush your teeth in mommy's bathroom or yours? Covers up or down? Night light on or off? )
2. Before the big day, start talking about what it means to sleep in a "big-girl" or  "big-boy" bed. "You get blankets and pillows and can get up by yourself if you have to go to the bathroom." or  "When you are big enough to stay in bed at bedtime you get to sleep in a big bed."
3. Get a safety rail  (Standers 5000 Bed Rail Advanta (Google Affiliate Ad)) for the sides of the new bed so it feels safe like the crib did.
4. Establish a "stay in bed when it's bedtime" rule and stick to it firmly. One Dad sleeps by the bed on the floor for the first few nights and firmly without emotion or eye contact reminds the child to get back under the covers if they start to get out. 
5. Some parents simply walk the child back to their room without conversation and again without emotion or eye contact.  It can take 45 minutes or more the first night but night 2 is easier and by night 3 or 4 the problem is solved.  Consistency is key.
6. One parent with multiple bedrooms to monitor, placed a rocking chair in the hall and established the pattern of reading there for 30 minutes after tuck-in time.  She was right there to catch them if they got out of bed and and firmly without emotion or eye contact reminded the child to get back under the covers or walked them back to bed.

Notice the repetition of "firmly without emotion or eye contact."  Emotion rewards and encourages misbehavior and lets kid's know you don't 't have control.  Love and Logic emphasizes discipline without anger, lecture, threats, or warnings.

If this post was helpful to you please comment.  If you post a question or have suggestions for posts you'd like to see I'll answer.  Don't forget to follow this blog.  I only post a few times a month.

Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-69630132175243171732013-02-20T15:46:00.000-06:002013-02-20T15:46:00.356-06:00"Going Brain Dead!"  Love it!

Instead of adding fuel to the fire of an over-emotional child's rampage, Love and Logic suggests responding with "I know" or "I bet it seems that way."  I don't have to come up with a magnificent argument or engage in a lengthy explanation they can't hear anyway.  In fact, since I started "going brain dead," I've discovered the arguments are less emotional and of shorter duration.  I remain calmer because I don't "have" to come up with a response.  I just keep repeating (in an empathetic way) my single phrase.

My calm, non-anxious presence makes our whole family system calmer.   When the rampaging is over, then real conversation and problem solving can happen.Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-9836129217040259552013-02-18T14:43:00.000-06:002013-02-18T14:43:00.134-06:00I love that Love and Logic doesn't set itself up as the ultimate 100% perfect parenting program.  They suggest that we "experiment" with the tools being added to our toolbox to see which one's will work best for us.  That makes sense to me.  Every child is different.  Different tools work better at different ages or stages or even depending on who is using them.  Sometimes a tool I thought was useless turns out to be just the right thing when I experiment with using it.  Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-57549739331413231792013-02-14T14:36:00.000-06:002013-02-14T14:36:00.294-06:00I love that "leading with empathy" is like a magic pill!

Leading with empathy works with little kids I babysit for, the 8th graders I teach, my young adult children, my coworkers, and my mother-in-law!

For some reason people now think I am friendlier, more caring, more interested in them.  I am friendly, caring, and interested but for some reason my old "suck it up soldier" approach didn't communicate that.

Empathy really helps set brains up for better communication.  It lowers stress and opens hearts.  This is true both of the empathize-er as well as the empathize-ee.  When it is used before a consequence, it allows a child being disciplined to focus on their own behavior instead of focusing on the adult's anger, lecture, or threat.  It's magic.Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-16171673964572428612013-02-12T14:24:00.000-06:002013-02-12T14:24:58.142-06:00I love that Love and Logic emphasizes the importance of allowing children to take responsibility for the consequences of their own behavior. 
Easy to say... but frankly, quite a hard thing for the inner marshmallow mom in me!  When things get tough I want to melt. (And they do get tough don't they?!)

Having said that... our brains can indeed overrule our natural inclination when we know for sure that doing so has a better outcome for our kids. Doing what is right is not always easy.  In the same skin that "Marshmallow MOM"  lives also lives a woman who's brain can overrule the marshmallow desire for momentary peace and instead choose to gift my children with the long term benefits of knowing how to control their own behavior.  I can handle a pout, a tantrum, a whine, a slammed door or not being liked because my eye is on the long term goal.Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-71976113472658826682012-08-27T14:39:00.000-05:002012-08-27T14:39:01.388-05:00Becoming a Love and Logic Parent (7 weeks)
Next Class starts September 9

on the campus of
Zion Lutheran Church & School
1810 McClintock Ave.
Belleville, IL 62221

Contact: Jill Hasstedt  618-233-2299

Register at
www.zionbelleville.com
or
click here to go to the info page for Sunday Night Classes
Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-1110196213537241302012-08-03T14:49:00.000-05:002012-08-03T14:49:00.290-05:00It seems like every household with children struggles with bedtimes as school starts in the fall.  The sun sets late.  Kids used to staying up late and sleeping late suddenly have to go to bed earlier and have trouble falling asleep.

But the struggle is well worth the effort.   "Researchers at the University of Helsinki, Finland, monitored the sleep patterns of several hundred children using small wrist devices called actigraphs. They found that perfectly healthy 7-8 year-old kids who got less than 7.7 hours per night of sleep had increased behavioral problems—such as aggression, an inability to concentrate, and a lack of focus—all symptoms common in children with ADHD."   (For a great article about this check out http://www.education.com/magazine/article/sleep_adhd/)

One mom realized that her efforts to get her kids in bed earlier were failing.  She tried room darkening blinds but even a dark room didn't help.  But then she hit upon a plan.  The week before school started she planned a series of very full days that demanded early rising.  It seemed easier to wake her kids up then to get them to go to sleep.  She woke them up 2 hours earlier then they'd been rising.  She involved her friends and her husband in planning high levels of physical activity all day long.  Without telling any of the kids that she was doing so, she quietly got them into a healthy pattern for the coming school schedule.

So how much sleep do kids need?   Of course children do vary but most parents UNDERestimate how much children need.  "School aged children average only 9.5 hours of sleep per night, instead of the 10-11 hours experts recommend. Preschoolers average 10.4 hours, even though it’s recommended that they sleep as much as 2 ½ hours more each night."

Chidren are getting a full one hour less of sleep then they did 30 years ago.  Tired adults might get act groggy and feel sluggish but tired children tend to do the opposite—instead of slowing down, they speed up!

Sleep takes practice.  A child with cjhallenging sleep habits can get better at sleeping by practicing better habits but they need consistency and an adult who won't back down.

So where does Love and Logic come in?  If your child complains about your efforts to help them have better sleep habits lead with empathy.
C: "I don't want to go to bed: 
P:  "It's hard to go to be early." (Said with empathy)

 Offer choices
 P:  Do you want to sleep in pjs or undies? Covers or no covers?  Fan on or fan off?

 Don't engage in arguments.  Find a simple repetitive phrase like "I know." that can be said with empathy as your child complains that they hate going to bed.

C: "I'm not tired!"  P: "I know."
C: "It's too early!     P: "I know."
C:  "You get to stay up.  It's not fair."  P: "I know"


Other resources:

Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, Mark Weissbluth, M.D.




Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-80316759051632072062012-07-31T14:10:00.000-05:002012-07-31T14:51:41.283-05:00Does this sound like your house?
The days were longer and the sun set later so summer bed time slipped to 9:00 PM or later.  If a parent was lucky, the kids would even sleep past 6:30 AM.  The parents in our neighborhood made the kids play outside after morning chores like making beds or cleaning bathrooms or taking out the garbage. 
Baseball, basketball, skateboarding, and bike riding kept kids active.  Negotiating (arguing over) rules taught them a fair amount of social skills.

The early afternoon was for swimming or someone turned on the sprinklers.  By late afternoon the kids were tired so quiet time inside was called for.  During a heat wave, like the one in the Midwest this summer, the AC and a cool unfinished basement provided a  respite from the unrelenting heat outside.  The kids were allowed to play 2 hours of video games or watch TV between 3 and 5 or until it was time to help with supper.

After supper together, there might be a few more chores before family time playing games or a half hour of TV before bath time, story time, and light's out.

What's right with that scenario? No matter what your work or sports schedule or your family situation there are some great practices mentioned.

• Time outside and lots of physical activity
• Limited screen time (TV or video games)
• Planned cooperation with the neighboring parents 
• Allowing children to learn how to work through problems through play
• The expectation of chores
• Regular and consistent schedules

Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-69818383536215650212012-06-27T07:30:00.000-05:002012-06-27T07:30:01.096-05:00Are your kids fighting with each other this summer?

Then you have an awesome opportunity to help them solve their own problems!

Here are the steps for this amazing technique from Love and Logic (It also works great with in laws, cranky coworkers, and people you manage at work!)

1. Deliver a strong dose of empathy!  (Remember that you should have one empathetic phrase you use all the time.  Try:  "Ohhhh noooo" if you don't have one.)
2. Place ownership of the problem strongly on the child's shoulders by asking, "What are you going to do about this?"  (This is a "power message" that lets them know you believe they are strong enough and capable enough to solve the problem.)
3. If the child says, "I don't know," you can ask, "Would you like to know what other's have tried?"
4. If the child says "Yes," give them 3 optional solutions (all of which would be totally fine with you.) If the child says, "no," we say, "OK, well if you change your mind, I'll be here to listen."
5. If you share 3 possible solutions and they pick one, give them encouragement by saying, "Let me know how that works out for you."

But what if they come up with an un-acceptable option?  You can ask, "how would that work for you?"  This is a way to get them to consider the consequences.  (Remember we want then to do the thinking!)

Example:

Tommy:  "Aidan isn't playing nice with me."

Parent:  "Ohhhh noooo! (said with empathy) What are you going to do about this?"

Tommy: "I don't know."

Parent: "Would you like to know what other kids have tried?"

Tommy: "OK"

Parent: 

• Some kids go play somewhere else for awhile. 
• Some kids tell their friends that they only play with children who play nicely and that they have to go home if they can't."
• Some kids just ignore there friend and keep playing.

Tommy: "Some kids just piunch their friend in the nose!"

Parent: "How would that work for you?"

Tommy:  I'd get introuble and get grounded."

Parent: "Probably so."

Tommy:  I think I'll tell him he needs to go home if he can't play nicely."

Parent: "Let me know how that works out for you."


Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-21826692695656423422012-06-25T10:31:00.003-05:002012-06-25T10:31:58.917-05:00I love Love and Logic's suggested reply to the "But why?" question:

"Why do you think?

If your children are not honestly curious but are just arguing about having their way then it's time to go "brain dead."  Use fewer words by simply repeating the reply, "Why do you think?  It's better than anger or frustration and sooner or later your child will get tired of your repetitive reponse.

Avoid using, "Because I said so!"  But why? Why do you think?  (Lol!)  Seriously, the reason to avoid that response is because the very words are a command that create a power struggle that invites retaliation.

(This current set of blog posts are all inspired by "Love and Logic Magic When Kids Leave You Speechless," by Jim and Charles Fay.)   Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-87504066741132588122012-06-18T12:20:00.002-05:002012-06-18T12:21:04.731-05:00Love and Logic Wisdom: "There' nothing wrong with a child that a little arguing won't make worse!"

It's crazy but true.  You can never win an argument with a child.  They will keep coming up with responses until you tire out and give in. 

What's the answer?  Go brain dead!

This technique simply involves using one repetitive response, said with kind empathy, like "I Know" or "It probably seems that way" whenever your child is trying to engage you in an argument with your child.

Here are some examples.

Child: "That's not fair!"
Parent: "I know!"

Child:  "I want to go to McDonald's
Parent: "I know. "

Child:  "I hate peas!"
Parent: "I know"

Child: "You don't love me."
Parent:  "It probably seems that way"

Child: "I like the old Momy better!"
Parent: "I know"

Child: "I hate 'I know'!"
Parent: "I know"

I'm not saying this will make your child satisfied and happy.  Over time, they will learn that arguing doesn't work as a tool for manipulating you to get their way.

The above skills is explained in the "Love and Logic Magic When Kids Leave You Speechless" by Jim and Charles Fay, Chapter 3.Jill Hasstedthttps://plus.google.com/105406151819533165241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107081108177679207.post-14793942973244562752012-06-13T15:22:00.000-05:002012-06-13T15:22:00.505-05:00Do your kids argue about summer chores?
In Love and Logic Magic When Kids Leave You Speechless Jim and Charles Fay explain that

"Chores are the basic building blocks of pride and feelings of being loved and needed by one's family.  Kids who have this at home don't need to find it in a cult or street gang."" (p. 5)
Love and Logic Guidelines for Chores

1. Don't pay kids to do them.  This might send a very uncharitable message, "Don't do anything unless you get paid to do it."  Every member of the family should contribute in meaningful ways to the family without the expectation of a reward. (See the archived posts on allowances)

2. Chores help kids help kids feel needed and proud but they will grumble when they have to do them.

Child: "None of my friends do chores!"
 Parent: "I know. (see previous post)  But I love you enough to expect more from you that that?"

3. Have a plan for kids who "refuse" or "forget" to do chores.  One classic approach is the art of the "enforceable statement."

• "F