Downers Grove, IL

Friday, September 14, 2012

 

There is a lot of news every week and you probably don't have the time in your busy day to read about all of it. That is why I created The Professional Summarizer. It's my job to condense the headlines and bring you odder stories of the week.

This week McDonald's announced that they will be posting the calorie counts of all of their food items in the restaurant. Now, while you are in line, you will have time to justify the fact that the Big Breakfast with Hotcakes that you plan to order contains 1090 calories or more than half of your day's calorie allotment. Would you like fries with that?

Apple introduced the iPhone5, a bigger, lighter, faster version of any iPhone you currently possess, so you would be an idiot not to upgrade yet again. Unfortunately, as good as the iPhone5 may be, it still doesn't address the two biggest problems for smart phone users. It doesn't prevent butt-dialing and it won't keep you from sending a "personal" text to the wrong number.

That's the surface of the news this week, now let's take a look at the underbelly.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

David Weber is a 53 year old homeless man in Miami, FLorida who wanted a beer. Since he had no money, he did what any other rational ne'er-do-well would do; he broke into a car and stole a credit card he found inside.

Next, he hightailed it to the nearest bar and ordered himself a cold and frosty. He paid for his beer with his new credit card, which bore the name, of the bartender he just handed it to. The bartender, recognizing his own credit card, called the police and David now has a new home, albeit temporary, in the Miami-Dade County Jail.

SHE BUILT THIS BUSINESS HERSELF

Jackie Hatter is a 35-year-old woman from Uniontown, Pennsylvania. Like a lot of people in this economy, she was strapped for cash, but she followed her entrepreneurial spirit and became a street vendor.

Most street vendors work at traffic lights and walk up to your car window offering flowers, peanuts, oranges, or to wash your windshield. SInce these commodities were already covered, Jackie decided to sell something none of the other vendors had. She would stand by the curb and offer to do a roadside striptease for cash.

The local police called it disorderly conduct. I think it's the definition of "tit for tat."

SOUNDS LIKE MONK-Y BUSINESS

A hiker in a Bavarian forest near the Austrian border found a naked man staggering around the woods. When he asked the man if he needed help he declined so the hiker notified the police.

When the police found the naked man, he told them that he is a monk, on a camping trip, and he ate some poisonous berries that were the apparent cause of him frolicking nymph-like and naked in the forest.

The police not only bought this story, but are now trying to locate the berries so they can make wine in time for Oktoberfest. They're going to call it Monk-Berry.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695