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Not All News Is Bad News
Downers Grove, IL
Friday, August 05, 2011
Welcome to the first week of August. This will soon be followed by the Dog Days of August, Back To School Sales, and the end of summer. August is our last chance to enjoy the storms, the flooding, and the extreme heat that has dominated the season so get out there and have some hot, wet, and lightening filled fun. This week has been dominated by news of the decision to raise the debt ceiling, tropical storm Emily, and President Obama's 50th birthday. These stories are all related via wind. Emily is generating a lot of wind; the president needed wind to blow out his birthday candles; and the default threat was averted but the stock market dropped faster than pants on prom night, and that just blows. At least we didn't have the problems of the subjects in this week's Funnies. So sit back, relax, and revel in the schadenfreude of others. HOPPING DOWN THE BUNNY TRAIL Police in Idaho Falls, Idaho, have told William Falkingham to stop wearing his bunny suit in public. The 34-year-old man has a bunny costume and he enjoys dressing up in it and accessorizing it with a tutu. Then, he likes to roam around town as the bunny ballerina, but police received several complaints from parents who said that he was scaring the children. Police told Falkingham to stop wearing the costume around town. He now dresses in a black robe, a hood, and carries a scythe. He hangs around the senior center. At least he's not scaring the kids any more GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE - SHOES KILL PEOPLE Thelma Carter of Augusta, Georgia, killed her boyfriend by smacking him in the head with the spiked heel of her shoe. Her boyfriend, Robert Higdon, was just sitting around the mobile home when he and Thelma got into a fight and before you know it, shoes came off and the next thing you know, he was Jimmy Choo'd to death. The state of Georgia has now declared a three day waiting period on the purchase of ladies' shoes. HAVE YOU SEEN BONGO? Bonni Marcus and Jack Zinzi are a couple from New York City who are very upset by the loss of their best friend Bongo. Bongo isn't dead or anything, he's just lost. And Bongo is not a dog, a cat, or a real person but a stuffed monkey doll. Remember, this is their BEST friend. Bongo was last spotted when the couple took him to their favorite restaurant and when Jack reached into his pocket to get Bongo and put him on the table, he discovered him missing. The couple is quite upset, not to mention loony as hell, and have offered a $500 reward for Bongo's safe return because they consider him to be the child they never had. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief in the fact that these two never replicated. Congratulations, Bonni and Jack, your this week's recipients of our most coveted award, The Dumbass Of The Week. STUPID GEEZER TRICKS Bobby Guyton, 76, from Phoenix, Arizona, has been charged with sexual abuse for allegedly forcing his maid to touch him on the wiener. On four separate occasions, he put the maid's hand on his joystick and she wasn't happy about it. She called police and Guyton said that Satan forced him to do it. Police said that when they catch Satan, they'll charge him too. The best part of this story is when the maid told the police during an interview that Guyton "may have kept her hand on his penis longer than necessary." I am not real sure what this means but it sure gives us something to think about this week. Just how long is longer than necessary? I'm sure it's a fine line so drop me an e-mail and let me know what you think. Dale Irvin
Professional Summarizer
Downers Grove, IL
630-852-7695
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