Downers Grove, IL

Friday, June 03, 2011

 

     June is here and with it comes a plethora of new news oddities. Let's start out with Congressman Anthony Wiener from New York. Wiener allegedly sent a picture of his wiener, clad in tighty whities, to a woman on his Twitter account. Wiener said he did not send the wiener picture but he couldn't definitely say that it wasn't his wiener. If I were Anthony Wiener I would forget about Wiener-Gate and just be thankful that my parents didn't name me Harry.

     In Pennsylvania, school chaperones took a group of 8th graders on an outing to the National Aquarium followed by lunch at Hooters. I am perplexed by this decision. A mixture of 8th grade boys and Hooters waitresses seems like a recipe for immaturity, and I ought to know. I can just see the boys asking things like, "Does your milk come in jugs? Do you have melons? Have you ever met Congressman Wiener?"

     Further insanity ensued in South Carolina where the ACLU is pushing to allow pornography for inmates. Yeah, that's a good idea. What could possibly go wrong in a prison full of porn-watching inmates? The next thing you know, they'll be giving them digital cameras and Twitter accounts..

     That is some of the weird stuff that has happened in this country. For the rest of the Funnies we are going to take a look at News From Around The World.

I HATE TO CUT YOU OFF, BUT... Let's circle the globe, starting with our first destination, DHAKA, BANGLADESH. To tell you the truth, I don't know much about Bangladesh. I know that they had a Concert for Bangladesh back in the 70's but to this day I couldn't tell you their main export. (clothing).

All I know about Bangladesh now that I didn't know before is that their women are not to be messed with. A married mother of three was asleep in her shanty when a man broke in and attempted to rape her.

The woman quickly reached under her pillow and pulled out her knife, which she then used to separate the attacker from his wiener. She took the wiener to the police station as evidence and the man will be arrested after he gets out of the hospital and the doctors stop giggling.

SHE'S GOT ANTS, BUT NOT IN THE PANTS - In TAIWAN, a 16-year-old girl had more than 30 ants living in her ears. I know it's crowded in China but this is ridiculous. The girl was taken to the doctor when her parents noticed things crawling out of her ears.

Apparently the girl attracted the ants because she likes to eat snacks in bed and somehow she got an earful of crumbs. The problem has cleared up since her parents bought her an aardvark.

THE PRESIDENTIAL PRIVY? - In BULAWAYO, ZIMBABWE, ("Gateway To Botswana") Alois Mabhunu faces up to a year in prison for using the wrong toilet. Mabhunu is a Zimbabwean police sergeant assigned to the International Trade Fair. in the course of his duty (no pun intended) he suddenly had to do his duty (this time it is) and dashed off to find the nearest facility. Unfortunately, he wound up using the toilet specifically reserved for President Robert Mugabe.

He was arrested when he exited and charged with "invading the presidential privy". This is apparently a federal offense in Zimbabwe so if you go there, always look before you leak.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695