Claremont, CA

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"Winners are those people who will do the extra things that losers won't do". This quote from Jack Canfield says that winners recognize that they have to work harder than others to achieve at a higher level. Pat Riley, famous basketball coach of the Los Angeles Lakers and the New York Knicks, thinks that excellence is the gradual result of always wanting to do better. This strong belief system represents the values of certain people who don't give up.

In activities of daily life feeling like a winner and believing in one-self are key ingredients to success. A child can be "the best" at an activity, but can be outplayed by children who have a stronger will to win. Who are these individuals? What ingredients do they possess which allows them to achieve at as higher level? Is there a magical formula that transforms children into winners? Are children born with certain traits, which enhance the likelihood of a healthier self-esteem, or can you teach "winning" to make it more likely?

There are many children who fail to perform up to their potential. In fact, this is a common problem that children with ADHD face. Sometimes, their perceived incompetence is generated through repeated social failures or not living up to the expectations of others. By withdrawing into themselves in order to avoid confrontations with failure, these are also children who frequently fail the expectations of others. Instead of applying positive self-statements, some children may rely on unreasonable and irrational thoughts as alternatives in coping with challenges confronted. Such fears may precipitate further problems. One of the most significant obstacles facing children with unhealthy self-esteem is not being a risk taker. Consequently, many of them do not believe they can control outcomes and they perform incompetently. Risk taking represents the feasibility of experiencing failure as well as adverse feelings. Many children are not willing to take chances, because their fear of failure hinders their efforts

Children who have unhealthy self-esteem appear to have many common harmful characteristics. Many of these children appear to have unhealthy self-assessment skills. They don't seem to evaluate social situations and their personal impact on the outcome. Many children with unhealthy self-esteem also appear to use inadequate judgment skills and don't seem to take advantage of what they learned in the past.

Another challenging area for many children struggling in believing in themselves is willingness to accept responsibility for their actions or outcomes that they influence. Some children always seem to blame others for consequences and don't seem to recognize their impact on the end result. Finally, children who have an unhealthy self-esteem seem to have weaker perceptions of their value and significance to others. They often act against themselves and put themselves down. They feel incompetent and in many ways do not recognize and appreciate their significance and uniqueness.

The Source of Self-Esteem

Healthy self-esteem is a commodity that is in wide demand. It is discussed frequently and desired greatly, but it is difficult to change. Many individuals genuinely misunderstand the source of self-esteem. They seem to get confused about where it comes from. This is understandable because our society gives them a mixed message about it.

One analogy of understanding self-esteem is to distinguish between valid and invalid perceptions. Valid self-esteem comes from the inside out. It develops and stems from a solid, clear place within us, and it is a variable we can control. Although situations in our life alter, our self-esteem and our healthy way of coping is the same in all situations.

The difficulty, of course, is that children confuse valid self-esteem with invalid self-esteem. Children may interpret anything that makes them "feel good" as a valid source of self-esteem. That is understandable, because valid and invalid self-esteem can feel similar in some ways. At first, meeting a difficult challenge leaves us "feeling good". But, so might other alternatives, which are somewhat antisocial, such as abusing drugs or joining gangs.

We need not look too far for examples of invalid self-esteem. Our society is loaded with sources of invalid self-esteem. It is unbalanced with the weight heavily leaning toward invalid self-esteem. No wonder children are confused. No wonder they come to conclusions that the way they feel good about themselves is to wear a certain fashion of clothes, to be a member of a gang, smoke, etc. One of our primary tasks as parents and coaches is to help our children recognize the difference between valid and invalid self-esteem. If children can do that, they will be better able to make the kind of choices that will provide them with valid self-esteem: the "feeling good" that comes from a strong, clear place within us that will therefore, endure. As children grow in their ability to recognize sources of valid self-esteem, they also learn to approach with caution those situations that let us feel good, but that come from something outside ourselves and will not endure.

How can we recognize valid self-esteem? We can ask ourselves a few simple questions: Does it last? Can you "take it with you?" Does it lead to meaningful relationships with others? Does it leave us with a feeling of self-respect and respect for others? Can we produce it all by ourselves and without the help of anybody else, or anything else?

It is easy, particularly in our culture, to develop an external base of self-esteem. This kind of self-esteem is invalid. It looks good on the surface, but it doesn't last. Our culture in many ways specializes in it. Looking good and driving a beautiful car are two examples. Manufacturers in our culture have found a way to associate the possession with their product, such as a vehicle, to enhance our self-esteem.

We must be proactive and help our children understand the source of valid self-esteem, so they do not wonder aimlessly on a treasure hunt to find it. Children must realize that self-esteem is a skill that can be learned and practiced.

Perhaps the most significant way we as parents and teachers may genuinely help our children in the skills necessary in developing self-esteem is to begin the shift in our own lives – away from self-esteem based on things that happen to us, and towards a self-esteem that comes from a strong, solid place within us.

I recall working with a young boy several years ago. He was a seven year old who had a mild case of ADHD. He was drawing a picture, but one could tell that it was not his best effort. He often did things impulsively. When he completed his artistic endeavor, he turned to me to get my initial appraisal. I responded by stating, "if you feel that what you have done is the best you can do, then you should be proud of your efforts." At that instant, I was called to another room by a colleague. A few moments later, I wondered what had happened to the little boy. He had an opportunity to go outside and play but I had not seen him leave the room. Immediately, I went back to the place that I had seen the child. To my surprise, he turned to me with a big grin on his face. "Now we can go outside and play." He had just reached a significant milestone. He seemed to realize that he too could become an important judge of his efforts. What more could be said?

One of the best ways to approach children who have unhealthy self-esteem is to help them discover the power within them and to help them acknowledge their individual assets. As professionals we must never lose sight of the fact that all children truly have a thirst for knowledge. What we must begin to recognize, especially for their benefit, is the fact that some get to the fountain in different ways.

Dr. Aubrey Fine

Motivational Speaker/Psychologist

Claremont, CA

909-625-2297