Emeryville, CA

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Studies show that most people want to continue living independently despite health problems or age-related issues. As an elderly parent's health and physical condition deteriorate, adult children often find it necessary to discuss changes in living arrangements with their parents, and this can prove difficult. However, knowing how to talk to elderly parents about change can lessen the discomfort of talking about the change process.

Debra Johnson, a Professional Geriatric Care Manager in San Francisco, CA, often works with children of aging parents to assist them with navigating the often-overwhelming issues of caring for their aging parents. Additionally, she has dealt with these same problems herself as the child of elderly parents. "I am a baby boomer myself with a busy life, and when my mother fell and broke her femur and her hip, she went from being completely independent to completely dependent. She could no longer drive, go to the bathroom by herself, cook her own meals, no longer control her world based on her vivacious past. It was devastating," reports Johnson.

She and her family came to the conclusions that this was the end of independent living for her parent. "So, we had to figure out how to begin to have a conversation with my mother, who has always been a staunchly independent person, about her changed condition," Johnson relates.

While such conversations can be difficult, Johnson says there are ways to approach the subject that can help make the discussion go more smoothly.

First, sharing your own emotions about your parent or parents' changing situation serves as an important first step, as is encouraging your parent or parents to offer a response to your feelings and thoughts. "It is important to let them know that you care and want the best for them," says Johnson. "It's tempting for children of aging parents to want to take complete control based on their judgment of the situation. While each situation is unique, unless your parent is unable to communicate due to health changes, let your parent draw their own conclusions and make choices. Asking them what they think should be done rather than telling them what you think is much more constructive and opens the door to further discussion if things don't go well during the first conversation"

Second, keep in mind that when you begin discussing change with an aging parent, even your best attempts may backfire. Therefore, it's important to let go of any expected outcomes and go into the experience as an exploratory one. "Be prepared to settle on your parent's choice even if you don't agree," suggests Johnson. "Unless there is an immediate risk to your parent's health or safety and/or sufficient cognitive impairment that disables your parent's ability for sound judgment, he or she has a right to make a decision"

Sometimes, we need to let go of our desire to control the outcome of a situation, she adds. Change happens sooner or later depending upon life's circumstances. If your parent opts for change to happen later, you can continue to bring up change-related options every once in a while as a way of checking in with them or as the need for additional change arises.

Johnson's company, Late Life Journey, provides geriatric care management services to facilitate aging with grace and dignity to clients in the San Francisco Bay Area. For more information on aging gracefully and embracing the humanity of old age through holistic services for the elderly and their families in the journey of late life, visit www.latelifejourney.com.

Debra l Johnson

Integrative ElderCare: Services for the Late Life Journey

Emeryville, CA

415-572-9716

510-652-7723