Ashland, OR

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Can having a sense of personal responsibility for where you are, what you do and how things turn out play a meaningful role in your holiday family gatherings?  According to Relationship expert Dr. Rick Kirschner, "No question about it. It's the big difference between happy people and miserable people at family events"

Kirschner, author of the 'Insider's Guide To The Art Of Persuasion,' and coauthor of 'Dealing With Relatives Even If You Can't Stand Them,' makes a distinction between being responsible for yourself and reactive to others. "Responsible means able to respond to events in a proactive way. Instead of waiting for something to happen and then coping with it, the responsible person sees the moment as their own, and organizes themselves around what they want to have happen"

He says that the response able person knows that if you can predict it, you can plan for it, and that you start choosing what you want before you even make contact with people. If you know who is coming to the family gathering, why wait to see them to figure out how you want to be, how you want to feel around them, and how you want to think about their predictable behavior? Work it out for yourself ahead of time, then follow through to make the holiday gatherings into positive events"

But what do you do when the relationship poses challenges to your ideas about how things should go? Kirschner says that change is the constant in life, so stop acting so surprised about it! "Whatever happens, if you are there in the moment, assume that the moment has some benefit for you. Something you can learn about yourself and others. Something you hadn't thought about. Some opportunity to build a better relationship" He says that, as a responsible person, you can make changes in yourself as a way of making changes in your world.  

Dr. Kirschner has done thousands of interviews with people to learn what does and does not work in family relationships. He says that the responsible person doesn't fear mistakes. "You know you will mess something up on occasion, because so much can't be known ahead of time.  And when you do mess it up, be grateful for whatever you can learn from it. That's how you learn!  Trust that mistakes, whether yours or someone else's, can always provide a useful or worthwhile lesson about you, the relationship, or your life.  And when things don't go as planned, when misunderstandings occur, be quick to own the part you play and take any opportunity you find to make corrections.  You will be stronger for every mistake you make, and the people around you will feel safer to try something new too. 

Dr. Kirschner says that when you are responsible for yourself, you can be unruffled when people act out, even when they've been drinking or overdosing on fat and sugar. "That isn't nearly as difficult as others think. Just notice what is happening, connect yourself to it instead of fighting it or withdrawing from it, then find a way to learn from it, leverage it or leave it behind.  This is your choice.  Your greatest leverage is your response to what the moment brings. " 

His advice for anyone wanting to approach the holidays as less of a victim of bad family behavior is this. "If you want to, you can increase your sense of ownership over this moment by connecting your previous choices to previous and current consequences.  Your past is the ideal learning environment for testing what you are learning in the present, and to practice what you are learning as preparation for the future. The key question to ask yourself when looking back at past challenges is, "What do I know now, that I didn't know then?  How would knowing it then have gotten different results?" He recommends replaying past events in new ways as a testing ground for learning.

"When you are no longer carrying around unresolved pieces of your past,  there is more of you available to take ownership over this moment right now.  Cleaning up the past is a powerful key to better results with people in the present.  Taking charge of yourself takes you beyond reactions to others, so that you can be responsive to them instead.  This means that whatever is happening in a relationship, you can have confidence that your choices will influence how things turn out"

Responsibility isn't about blaming, he says. It's about choosing. Associate tomorrow's consequences with today's choices, and today's consequences to yesterday's choices"Before entering a room, ask yourself what you want from yourself once you're inside.  Before starting a conversation, ask yourself what you want to have happen by the end.  Start organizing yourself at the beginning of whatever you do with the end in mind.  Responsibility is having the ability to respond.  You get there by starting with what got you here.

"Even in this tough time, you probably have a lot to be thankful for. Count your blessings, and have a Happy Holiday Season! "

Dr. Rick Kirschner

Coach, Author, Speaker

The Art of Change LLC

Ashland, OR

541-488-2992