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When Should You Give a Cheater a Second Chance?
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Monday, March 17, 2008
 
Should Silda Spitzer give Eliot Spitzer a second chance? Under what circumstances should a betrayed spouse forgive a cheating mate? Infidelity expert Ruth Houston, founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and author of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, discusses some of the factors you should consider when deciding whether to reconcile with a cheating spouse or significant other.

What to Consider Before You Decide

Says Houston, "Two of the first things you should consider when deciding whether or not to give the cheater a second chance, are the circumstances of the infidelity, and the cheater's attitude about the affair. These two things can give you a good fix on whether the marriage or relationship is salvageable, or if it's a lost cause. The guidelines below can help you decide"

When NOT to Give the Cheater a Second Chance

Houston says it's probably not advisable to give the cheater a second chance if he or she:

• Refuses to sever ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man

• Continues to lie about any aspect of the affair

• Is a habitual or serial cheater who has had one or more affairs in the past

• Feels no guilt or remorse for having hurt his/her partner;

• Wants to sweep the affair under the rug and proceed as if nothing has happened

• Feels he or she has a right to cheat or have an extramarital affair

• Does not feel that the cheating was wrong

• Is a sex addict who refuses to seek help

When to Consider Giving the Cheater a Second Chance

Infidelity doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage. Sometimes the relationship can be saved. "If the cheater is truly sorry, has severed all ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man, and is willing to get professional help, if necessary, " says Houston, " then you might consider taking the cheater back and giving them a second chance if the infidelity occurred under the following circumstances:

• An isolated incident such as a one night stand

• Under the influence of drugs or alcohol

• While going through a midlife crisis

• As a misguided response to a life crisis such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a job

• In cases of sexual addiction, where the cheater is seeking, or willing to seek medical or professional help.

But Houston cautions, "Forgiveness should not automatically be handed over on a silver platter. It needs to be earned. Otherwise, you're setting the stage for the cheating to happen again"

Other Things You Need to Do When Taking Back a Cheating Mate

"The first thing you need to do is have a conversation with the cheater about the cheating" advises Houston, who consults regularly with men and women on issues of infidelity. "Checks and balances need to be put in place. Ground rules have to be set. The cheater has to be fully accountable to the person he or she cheated on for as long as it takes to rebuild the broken trust" "It's not a quick fix, "says Houston. "It could take as long as 2 years to repair the damage that has been done"

The Biggest Obstacle to Giving a Cheater a Second Chance

Houston warns, "The biggest obstacle to taking a cheating spouse or significant other back is the fear that the affair might still be going on, or that the cheater will cheat again. It's a valid fear since the cheater has usually carried on his or her affair for quite some time before it was discovered. And the infidelity victim was probably the last to know. So it's only natural to for them to be concerned that it could still be happening, or that if could happen again without their knowledge"

How to Overcome the Fear that The Cheater Will Cheat Again

Houston says the best way for the infidelity victim to overcome this fear is to become thoroughly familiar with the signs of infidelity. Since the majority of the signs are subtle, knowing what to look for is the key. Houston's book, Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), covers practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs people usually overlook. Despite the title, most of the signs apply to cheating woman as well as cheating men. The signs are conveniently grouped into 21 major categories, so a person can easily find the signs that apply to their marriage or their mate. Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs is available as a soft cover book ($29.95) from www.InfidelityAdvice.com or as a downloadable e-book ($37) from Booklocker.com

The e-book version of Is He Cheating on You? is available from http://www.booklocker.com/books/1755.html and comes with a bonus section that is especially helpful to anyone trying to reconcile with a cheating mate. In addition to 3 other special reports, it also contains the following affair recovery information:

• What the Two of You Must Do to Survive Your Husband's Affair

• Advice for the Husband Who Cheated

• Advice for the Betrayed Wife

• Can Your Marriage Survive His Affair?

• Will He Cheat Again?


For more information about either version of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, visit www. InfidelityAdvice.com

FREE Infidelity Information to Help You Deal with a Cheating Spouse

The free special reports below can prove helpful to anyone trying to reconcile with a cheating mate.

1. Is He Cheating? Is She Cheating? – 21 Ways You Can Tell

E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with Cheating 21-X in the subject line.

2. 14 Things Everyone Should Know about Signs of Infidelity

E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with 14 Things-X in the subject line.

For more information about signs of infidelity, cheating spouses, or extramarital affairs, visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com or http://infidelitynewsandviews.blogspot.com

About Ruth Houston:

Infidelity expert Ruth Houston, is the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, which documents practically every known sign of infidelity. Frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news, Ruth has been quoted in USA Today, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, Cosmopolitan, New York Daily News, msnbc.com, FoxNews.com, Maclean's and numerous others. Ruth has also been a guest on The Today Show, CNN, Fox News, ABC News, NBC News, Fox and Friends, The Morning Show, 1010WINS, Court TV Radio, BBC, CBC, and over 440 radio and TV talk shows worldwide.

To interview infidelity expert Ruth Houston, call 718 592-6039 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com
 
Ruth Houston
Infidelity Expert and Author
Lifestyle Publications
Elmhurst, NY
718 592-6039
718 592-2018